S E R E N D I P I T Y

It's back

2006-08-05T18:08:00.000+01:00

For anyone who wants to read it.

The hell with CHH and their stooges, this is my blog, and my life........read it if you will.

Sorry Guys

2006-06-07T12:40:00.000+01:00

My blog has had to be deleted as my previous employer found it.

You can email me at ksandersuk@hotmail.com if you want my new url.

Musical Monday - "West Point"

2006-06-05T22:50:00.000+01:00

Can't write too much tonight as I have just finished consuming more wine than can possibly be considered good for me, but I wanted share this song by Jonatha Brooke. The title is "West Point" and it's a bloody good tune.

New job is confirmed - I start on July 3rd. Car broke down again today though. If it aint one thing it's another!

Introducing...

2006-06-04T10:30:00.000+01:00

Quick update on the job situation - I was called on Friday and told that they want me to start as soon as possible, subject to satisfactory telephone references which they will be getting from CHH tomorrow. Well, they'll get a reference, whether or not it will be satisfactory is something i'm now busy worrying about.

At least I should know by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. Providing all goes well, I plan to hand my notice in tomorrow afternoon and then ask them to give me 'absent leave' so that I can start my new job next week.

I had a friend come to visit me this weekend and i'm sure that friend has gone home sick to death of having to reassure me that CHH can't say anything bad about me!!

It's been a good weekend though - relaxing. Which despite having been off work for a month is just what I needed. I chilled out, watched a couple of movies, caught up on a bit of overdue cleaning and i'm going to spend the next couple of hours watching Angel reruns and wishing there were men like him where I live!

Oh and if you get the time, check out a couple of new blogs I have added to my blog roll.

China Blue - Very witty and amusing!
Cat Girl - Musings, and thoughts of a 32 yr old woman from the UK.
Heather - Funny, female football fan.
Tickles - The rants and rambling of a feline catress!

Enjoy and i'll let you all know how the reference works out.

Time for some humour...

2006-06-01T18:58:00.000+01:00

I saw this picture and I just HAD to post it! Few things actually make me laugh out loud but this did.
I also wanted to share the following article. I drink either beer or white zinfandel....what does your drink say about you??

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Fingers Crossed

2006-06-01T07:34:00.000+01:00

The final interview went fantastically well. The office manager informed me that he was very impressed with my skills and attitude and definitely wanted to employ me. I'm waiting now for him to contact me with a start date and further details about which area of the business he specifically wants to assign me to.

So, fingers crossed that soon it will be Goodbye CHH. Goodbye Bitch from Hell. Goodbye to a place that made me miserable and ill.

Things in most areas are starting to look up. I was actually given a mobile phone contract by TMobile, which is amazing since I have only just been released from Bankruptcy. With the new phone comes an iPod which I have been wanting for ages.

Of course, with all good things there must be a bad thing happen. I made it back from the interview yesterday, popped round to see my Dad, then on the way home my car died. I had to call out the RAC and get towed to a garage. It's completely dead. Not turning over, not doing anything, and 5 minutes prior, it wasn't exhibiting even the slightest sign of a problem.

More money wasted!!!! I refuse to let it dampen my mood though. I have a new job!!!!!!!!!! Fucking fantastic!!

I have a nice relaxing weekend ahead of me. Tonight I think i'll be having a long overdue catch up chat with "T", find out what's going on in sunny Florida. A friend is coming to visit, so it'll be much needed fun and laughs I hope. Football on Saturday, a few dvd's (and I think i'm going to be persuaded to watch horror!) probably a bottle or two of wine and of course lots of talking!!

Then Monday i'm off to the doctors to update my sick note - i'm not going back to CHH, i'll stay signed off till I start my new job. Oh and I get my contact lenses on Monday too.

The times are a changing - for the better!

Candy Hearts..

2006-05-30T12:37:00.000+01:00

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you
Your flirting style: friendly and sweet
What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance
Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Hmm, Interesting. Rather accurate in fact.

It's a minefield!

2006-05-29T23:06:00.000+01:00

Life in the land of the single person. Dating. It truly is an emotional minefield. Reconciling the desire to be a part of something, with the need for independance can be tricky.

When everyone around you is getting coupled up, it can be hard to maintain a belief that the right person is out there somewhere, and that patience is actually a virtue rather than a royal pain in the ass!

I have finally accepted my singledom. With a combination of happiness, and resignation. Now I realise that those two things are mutually exclusive. However, I do not need to find my 'other half' in order to feel whole. I am a whole person, all by myself. The resignation reflects my acceptance that I can't force it to be any other way. I cannot make myself love someone who I just don't 'click' with.

None of this means I have resigned myself to the fate of an eternal spinster. Merely that I am going to follow my life where it takes me, and assume that somewhere along the way it will figure itself out. My Mr Right is out there somewhere, and when i find him - i'll know.

I wonder how many people - men and women - stay in an unhappy relationship to avoid that imagined stigma of being a singleton? I'd be willing to bet that percentage is higher than we would like to think. I only have to listen to some of my friends describe their relationships, the problems they have (and how they choose to ignore them) to realise that those couples that look outwardly perfect, often exhibits the cracks of unhappiness. Look and Brad and Jen. They shattered the illusion of the perfect relationship when Brad left to be with the slutty Angelina (yes, i'm pro Jen!). Then Posh and Becks, portraying their happy united front for the world while Becks got it on with his PA.

My point is that for the longest time I was envious of these seemingly perfect couples that I am surrounded by on a daily basis.

What do I want now? Hmm. Tough question. But one I actually have the answer to. I want to spend time with my friends. Enjoy the single life, one day at a time, having fun as I go. Because one day, a man will walk into my life and change everything. Turn my world upside down and make himself the centre of my universe.

Until that day comes - look out for some interesting dating stories as I get venture back into the minefield!!!!

Musical Monday..."Let Go"

2006-05-29T09:48:00.000+01:00

Todays track is from the soundtrack to Garden State (one of my favourite movies) and it is my a band called Frou Frou.
The song is called "Let go" and it's an uplifting kind of dance track that you just want to play on repeat.

I had a nice chilled out weekend. Catching up on some 'me' time. I'm learning to appreciate my own company again. Part of my desire to reconsile the old me with the new me, and come up with a better me. My god that sounded self absorbed haha!!

I'm off to a friends house shortly. Keeping it nice and relaxing, we'll probably sit around drinking endless cups of coffee, gossiping about men (and sex of course) and watching some addictive drivel on tv like DIY shows etc.

On a lighter and brighter note, I went clothes shopping yesterday and for the fist time in a long time I actually enjoyed it. I spent a fair amount of cash on clothes, shoes and of course the prerequisite new hangbag.
Got to be prepared for my interview......

Revelations and contemplations.

2006-05-27T13:15:00.000+01:00

It has been a long time coming but I finally understand why I feel so unhappy all the time. It didn't involve a thunderbolt shooting down from the sky and knocking sense into my stubborn head. It has been more of a gradual realisation, compounded by my first counselling session which was the biggest waste of time I have ever spent.

I wont go into details about the counselling, suffice it to say that they guy was a jerk who clearly wanted to pounce on the fact that my parents split when I was a child and try and make that the source of all my troubles.

What I have come to realise is that I accept far too much. I am too accepting of what is offered to me, believing I am not worth any more than that. Going along with situations I may otherwise be uncomfortable with in order to 'fit in' or be percieved as 'normal'

I have stayed at CHH for 5 years. It never particularly suited me. The people are not my kind of people (with a few exceptions of course) the work is easy enough, but boring since it involves little or no human contact. I stayed because I didn't believe I would be accepted by any other companies to do anything else. I thought I should feel lucky to have a reasonably well paid job.

I have had relationships (long and short term) that I have stayed in because despite a lack of chemistry, or a myriad of other issues, I felt it better to be with someone that be labelled with the stigma of single.

I have become rather withdrawn too. Over the last 6 years I have changed from a girl who was out almost every weekend. Laughing with her friends, not caring about being single, just enjoying life. I still see my friends, but it's usually at my place, where they come for a glass or three of wine and a chat. Rarely do I venture into town, or do anything different.

What has changed in the last 6 years? I started suffering with debilitating migraines. I was given strong medication which caused me to gain a lot of weight. I was involved in a relationship with a guy who told me every day how lousy I looked, how ashamed I should be of having gained weight. I have worked for a company where I have had to suppress the type of girl I really I am. Being outgoing and having fun at work is not generally accepted in most areas of CHH.

I've gone from being bubbly and fun, to relatively quiet and withdrawn. Only those who really know me still get to see the real me.

I want the old me back!! I don't like being a poor imitation. First situation to address is the girl in the mirror.
I don't know that girl looking back at me. On the inside I still feel young and attractive. On the outside I see old, overweight and dull.

So, I need to reclaim myself. New job(hopefully, I passed the interview I went for last week and have the FINAL one on Wednesday), new and more positive outlook, new start. The photo below was taken earlier this year. I'm on the right, Medusa on the left. As I start to shrink back to the old me, I will post updated pictures. So much for new years eve being the time for new beginnings.

HNT with a difference!!

2006-05-25T20:12:00.000+01:00

I bet this caught your attention didn't it? Well I thought since the person who sent it me obviously isn't camera shy I would share it. Say hello to Badminton Boy. You remember the guy who I had one date with and then spent weeks telling I was not in the leat bit interested?

Well he sent me this picture via email today, with a note saying he hoped this would grab my attention and get me to contact him! Ok first of all. I had one date with the guy back in November. Seeing him naked was not on the agenda. Secondly - how arrogant do you have to be to send a picture like this and assume it is all that's needed to get a womans interest?

I decided to be somewhat ethical and blank out the guys face since I am publishing his ass on the web, but I mean seriously guys - what happened to sending a girl flowers??????

Anything but ordinary.

2006-05-25T01:05:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I get so weird

I even freak myself out

I laugh myself to sleep

It's my lullaby

Sometimes I drive so fast

Just to feel the danger

I wanna scream

It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?

Is it enough to breathe?

Somebody rip my heart out

And leave me here to bleed

Is it enough to die?

Somebody save my life

I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines

Would make my life so boring

I want to know that I

Have been to the extreme

So knock me off my feet

Come on now give it to me

Anything to make me feel alive

(Lyrics By Avril Lavigne)

I have finally reached the conclusion that I have no burning desire to be ordinary. I don't want to be boring. I rather like being different. I like the fact that I don't always fit in.

I dressed up for my job interview on Tuesday morning and I wore a black suit with a nice pale green v-neck top and a pair of black stilleto heels. My hair was done and my make up was on.

I had to stop by to see my mum on the way and her comment to me was "Ooh let me take a photo of you, I never see you dressed up"

She is right. I rarely dress up. I have been a bit of a tomboy since I was a kid. I like my jeans, I like to wear my hair long, but tie it back often in a ponytail. I almost always wear make up, but it's minimal. My girly consessions are shoes and handbags. (She didn't get the photo either)

Lately I have been lectured my mother that in order to find and keep a nice man I should 'make more of myself'. Apparently, if I get up an hour earlier and spend that extra time faffing around with my hair and male up, it will make all the difference in my life. Personally i'd rather have the extra hour sleep. Even my dad has joined in recently though. I was looked at with disdain last week and told that my clothes were scruffy and that I 'really should make more of an effort'

Hmm, let me be clear. I was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a red t shirt and my trainers. I was dropping some dvds off at my dads house before coming home to continue my cleaning. Should i have dressed up for the occasion?

Despite the fact that I bemoan the lack of a decent man/job in my life, I am not entirely dissatisfied with what I have. I also seriously doubt that applying my make up with a trowel each morning is going to have a positive effect on my life. Nor will teetering around on high heels whilst doing the vaccuuming!!

I genuinely laugh at myself on occasion for being such a nutcase. I wonder where I will be this time next year? Single? Probably. Happy? Hopefully. Anything but ordinary? Definitely

Another meme tag thing to do.

2006-05-24T04:00:00.000+01:00

I have been tagged by Julie.

I am: a moody bitch. C'est la vie. On a high one day and a low the next.

I want: a model figure (and a supermodels bank balance)

I wish: I could get a new job!!

I hate: Racism, bigotry, cruelty( to animals or people)

I miss: "T" because he is so far away. My dog Bengo, who died 6 years ago.

I fear: Worms. I even dislike the word so much that I never actually say it. I substitute the word 'beans'. You know when people say "That just opened a big can of w****" Well, I use the word beans instead. It amuses my friend G.

I hear: CSI on the tv as I type, and my cat meeping at the door to go out.

I wonder: If I will ever settle down, get married and have children. Not that i'm in a rush you understand, but I do wonder if I have it in me to do it.

I regret: Not going to University after school. I wanted to be a Clinical Psychologist.

I am not: a morning person. Like Julie, I am not good with mornings. I have to be awake at least 20 minutes before I become a reasonable human being.

I dance: when no one is watching.

I sing: all the time. In the car, in the shower, while I get dressed, while I clean. Singing is fun.

I cry: Far too often lately. Enough said.

I am not always: right. As much as I would like to think I am. (Shh, it's our secret!)

I make with my hands: A great lasagne and (I am told) a pretty yummy chocolate fudge cake.

I write: often. Either on my blog, or in my personal diary. It's theraputic and I like to let the creative juices flow sometimes.

I confuse: my emotions. I get things mixed up in my head and either get carried away in the moment, or overanalyse something to the point it becomes a non issue.

I need: some stability in my life. (and eight hours sleep every night too)

I should: quit worrying about the little things in life.

I start: every year with a list of new years resolutions, and break every one before the end of January.

I finish: books very quickly. I speed read, and I get through a lot of books.

Ahh.....now who shall I tag I wonder......Ok, I tag SL, KimmyK, J, and Emerald Eyes.

**Update** I think the job interview yesterday went well. They said they would let me know by the end of the week if I am through to the final stage. Fingers crossed.

Behind the veil.

2006-05-23T19:49:00.000+01:00

I'm sat at my friend Wonderwebs house writing this as she sits glued to Eastenders. I have been flicking through my blogroll trying to catch up on some long overdue reading. The more blogs I add, the harder it seems to be keeping up with my commenting.

So much going on lately in my life. Crazy that even though i'm not actually working, I seem to have very little time for normal every day stuff like keeping up with my friends. Finding a balance between work and friends is always difficult, but take work out of the picture and add stress and it all goes to hell.

It sometimes feels as though I am looking at life through a veil. Often it's a black veil that puts a dark haze over everything, other times it's a pink veil, that adds a rosy glow to everything I see. What does it take to lift the veil and see things as they truly are? I don't know. I wish I did.

My first counselling session is on Thursday and I worry about what kind of questions I will be asked. What kind of demons will I have to face? Sigh.....

I hate the idea of being a burden to my friends. I am selective with who I talk to and about what, but I wonder if sometimes unloading my thoughts and fears to close friends is something I shouldn't do. We all have our problems and I am always more than happy to be there for my friends if and when they need me. In fact it makes me feel useful.

Like a couple of moments ago - I took a break from writing this to clean rosé wine off Wonderwebs kitchen floor while she ran upstairs in a rage to change her wet clothes. After a lousy rotten day, spilling her much needed wine was the last straw and elicited a reaction far stronger than the normal "oh fuck, i'm such a clumsy cow".

That's all for now, Wonderweb needs me. I'm going to be the person she rants to for the next couple of hours about all that is unfair in her life.

Reality Bites.

2006-05-22T22:37:00.000+01:00

Sometimes things don't go according to plan.

When I was a child I had plans. By the time I was 30 I would be married to a wonderful man who I loved with all my heart, with two children called Thomas and Karen. I would have a dog called Snoopy, and a job I loved.

Here I am at 30. Single, no children, no dog, three cats and a job I loathe.

I have spent time focusing on this a lot lately. I have allowed the sadness of reality to invade my mind and affect my moods.

A friend came to see me tonight. Her 30th birthday is next week.
She was lamenting her lack of 'life progress'. We chatted and decided that whilst we may be single, and a million miles from rich. Our lives are far from empty. We have our health. We have friends and families who love us and we love in return.

We talked about the possibility of buying a house together (as friends who don't have partners to buy with) in a couple of years time, if we are both still single. We discussed her career plan, and my hope for a new career. I told her my plans to return to college this autumn.

It was a positive conversation, despite its origins.

I then spoke (briefly) to my friend G.
I worry about him sometimes. Does anyone else have one of those friends that is there for you when no one else is? For me that friend is G. I'm not saying that my other friends wouldn't be there for if I needed them - just that he is so completely selfless with his attention that he often leaves nothing for himself. No energy to tackle his own issues, of which I know there are a few. I know as well as he does that he needs to start putting his own needs first more often. I also know him better than he thinks. For starters he will be pissed at me for writing about this on my blog, but then he has told me on more than one occasion to write what I feel without worrying about others, so that's what I am doing.

So, for my dear friend G......Put yourself first for a while. Take time out. Don't let reality drag you down. You have lots of friends who love and care about you (me included). Life has a funny way of working out. xx

On the subject of friends...."T" have you fallen off the face of the earth again?

Musical Monday..."Trouble Sleeping"

2006-05-22T13:44:00.000+01:00

Monday is here again and once more I have scanned my music files to find a song that adequately fits my mood. Todays song is "Trouble Sleeping" by The Perishers.

I slept wonderfully on Satuday night. Stayed over at a friends who has an amazingly comfortable bed that you just want to stay in forever!

Last night however, back in my own bed was a different story. Something is bothering me and i'm not sure what it is.
Maybe it's the interview I have lined up tomorrow. I'm a little nervous as I really need this job. It would be a new start in a new career and of course a way out of CHH.

Time is running out, and I need to get a new job before I stop getting my full sick pay from CHH. I will find something, I have no doubt about that, but what kind of salary will it be? I suspect i'm going to end up dropping a couple of thousand. Oh well, as long as my stress levels are reduced then perhaps I can start studying again in September. Open evening at the college this wednesday night. I think i'm going to sign up for a couple of A levels and try to get my brain functioning again!

Wish me luck at 10.30am tomorrow, it's interview time. I have the fancy suit, the high heeled shoes, the new haircut and a new handbag. I have researched the company and the role. Let's hope it's enough.

Private moments.

2006-05-20T09:43:00.000+01:00

It was 3.12am when I groggily opened my eyes this morning. The skin on my thighs was still warm from sleep and had adherred somewhat uncomfortably to the leather sofa. I don't recall how I got there. I remember going to bed at midnight, crawling under the duvet and turning on CSI. I was sleepy, a feeling of contentment slowly travelling through my body.

Then I wake up on the sofa. Some bizarre tv show about ghosts on the background and the flat was illuminated with the light from every bulb in every room.

More confusing than worrying, since I am often prone to forgetfulness, strange dreams, and (more occasionally) ghostly contact.
I wont elaborate since I feel no compelling need to defend what I know to be true to the many sceptics out there.
What did intrigue me though was the fact that as I crawled back into bed I thought "I must blog about this"

Many of my private thoughts and feelings make into onto this blog when I cant vocally express them to a friend. However, I have noticed recently that my blog has become more of a diary of daily events than the emotional rollercoaster it used to be. I have my dark depressed days where I rant on about the unfairness of life, and work etc, but I rarely get into any more than that. I was recently I discovered why. Through blogging I have made many friends - some of whom I now know outside of the world wide web. Those are people I see, face to face. So my blog has changed. I am cautious of disclosing to these people what I am feeling, the same as I am cautious with friends that live nearby. I have to face these people.

A blog is so personal. It's the equivelant of a diary (to me anyway)...Would you let a close friend read your diary? Knowing that your thoughts change on a daily basis....

The calm before the storm.

2006-05-19T08:26:00.000+01:00

Today is the day I face off against my the senior manager of the department I work in at Corporate Hell Hole(from here referred to as CHH). This manager who I will call Mr Slime (for obvious reasons) has called me four times while I have been signed off work badgering me to go and meet with him about what my 'problems' are.
I did actually tell him outright that it was my boss that was the problem and that she was making my working life a living hell. He asked why I hadn't approached him before and I told him it was because I didn't believe for one second that it would make any difference.

I guess we will see. I am meeting with him at 1.30pm today back at CHH to discuss options and in his words 'fully aprise him of the situation'.
Don't you just hate office politics and bullshit jargon? Why couldn't he just say "We'll have a chat and see if we can figure out what the problem is and how we can solve it" Does he have to sound so damn clinical?
But then I don't suppose at this stage he can do anything right. I mean, first of all he is a guy (nuff said!!)..secondly he is a creepy little bastard, and thirdly I wouldn't trust him as far as i can throw him.

Funny (but vile) little story about him. I was at work one day and I had to go and speak to him about something so I wandered over to his desk and stood back while he finished chatting with a colleague. He clearly hadn't seen me waiting, since whilst he was talking he put his arm behind him and started digging around in his ass cheeks! Either he had a serious itch or he was losing an item of underwear to a place where the sun never shines. It's kind of hard to look at them without smirking after you just saw something like that!! (See NML, it's not just your office - all men have a wierd arse obsession)

At least it's friday though. I have quite a busy weekend ahead. Two or three friends I need to catch up with, going to the cinema, and a stack of overdue ironing that I need to get done before I start to run out of clothes.

Hope you all have fab weekends, and thanks for the kind comments yesterday.

Thoughts in blue.

2006-05-17T22:54:00.000+01:00

Next week is my first appointment with a counsellor who can try and find some shred of sanity in the tangled mess that resides in my head. I have a disturbing knack for turning a good experience into something I can worry obsessively about. In fact, I often don't even need a specific thought.

Tonight was a perfect example. I found myself with a night to myself - something of a rarity these days. Instead of enjoying it, I couldn't help but drift off into that place in my head where everything is dark and all thoughts are gloomy.
I spent a large part of 3 hours laid on the sofa in the dark. Eyes wide open. Thinking random thoughts that lacked any real direction. I told myself to snap out of it, get the hell up and do something but I just couldn't do it.

When I get like that it's almost as though someone or something is literally draining the positivity from me and I have to fight like hell to hang onto it. The longer I fight it the weaker I get, but the less I fight the more mired in melancholy I become.

I must be a candidate for the nuthouse! Fortunately (I suppose) these sad spells evaporate almost as suddenly as they appear. One impromptu phone call from a friend, and whatever demons I am mentally battling, flee back to the darkest corners of my mind.

I should have had a job interview today. Three hours before I was due to arrive, I recieved a phone call telling me that the position was no longer open. In fact that it is 'on hold indefinately'
Typical - the call came right after I just spend money I could ill afford on getting my hair cut and styled at a proper salon.

Anyway - tomorrow should be better. I am meeting a friend for lunch - someone who used to work at the hell hole where I am employed and left because of the same person who is currently driving me out. I suspect he and I will have a damn good bitching session. After he regales me with his travel stories of course - he gets to fly around as an air steward for Virgin Atlantic, while the rest of us push a pen around or tap at a keyboard all day long.
Then it's catch up time again with Hal and his 'missus'. I have to call her that because they are SO joined at the hip!

I leave you with this question....who decided that blue and black were sad and depressing colours? Why is blue the colour of sadness, red the colour of anger, yellow the colour of hope and pink the colour of love?....

Musical Monday..."May Angels Lead you in"

2006-05-15T14:57:00.000+01:00

Todays musical Monday track is from a band called Jimmy Eat World. I love this song.

Hope you all like the picture too. I spent the better part of an hour trying to find just the right one to go with the song.

I've had a relaxing weekend. Spent time with friends and family and generally tried to wind down from the stresses that seem to besiege the rest of my time.

Friday I had a wander out with Hal. We grabbed coffee in town and had the catch up that we had both been trying to find time for since getting back from Berlin. He is so settled with his girlfriend now that's it's scary! They are buying a house together and discussing decorating styles. I spent friday evening at my aunts house, eating chinese food and watched Will Smith do his thing in Bad Boys 2. My aunt has a 50" flat widescreen tv that was almost like having Will Smith in the room with us (drool) I did end up agreeing to babysit my cousin all day on Saturday though. Long time readers will recall my ambivalence towards children. my cousin is 12 years old and very, very quiet.
Fortunately, she seemed satisfied to feed my cats so many treats that their stomachs appeared to visibly expand, and watch her favourite Hillary Duff movie 'A Cinderella Story'
Six hours in her compant though was exhausting and it was a relief to spend the remainder of the evening lying on the sofa eating Haagen Daaz and watching 'You've Got Mail'
You can't beat a good old chick flick for relaxation.

This week I have to try and follow up on some employment leads. With a little luck I should have some final interviews lined up soon. I also have to meet with one of the senior manager from work to discuss filing an official grievance against my bitch of a manager. I am dreading that meeting. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
Hopefully though, I wont have to go back to work until I can hand in my notice.

Meantime, enjoy the track, and Happy Musical Monday to all.

What goes around comes around...

2006-05-13T10:35:00.000+01:00

I was sent this email yesterday. It's one of those 'You must forward it to 9 people or else, blah, blah, blah'. However, the moral of this story is What goes around comes around, and I rather liked it. Apparently it is National friendship week, so I hope I can be forgiven for being a little mushy. Oh and talking of friends...this picture is of two of my cats, Spike(left) and Loulou. They looked so sweet cuddled up like that I had to take a photo.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the doorof the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own
son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt growto be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

The letters game...and it starts with an "R"

2006-05-11T12:45:00.000+01:00

Thanks to KimmyK for todays blog post topic.

If you want to play, the game is:

Make a comment saying so and I'll give you a letter. You then have to think of 10 words that start with that letter and they must mean something in particular to you and your life.

My letter is "R" given to me by KimmyK.

Romance - has to be the first one I thought of because who wants a life without some kind of romance? Not me.

Rain - I love the sound of the rain outside. Pounding against the window pane. I love to walk in rain when it's summer and the rain is warm.

Richmond - The brand of Cigarettes I smoke (menthols) Filthy habit I know.

Reading - Something I love to do. I read a LOT. Last book I finished was Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.

Random - Something I have been accused of being during the course of many a conversation.

Reindeer Section - The fantastic band who sing one of my all time favourite songs "Your Sweet Voice"

Remember - I have a serious inability to remember anything after a certain amount of alcohol has been consumed. In fact my ability to remember anything is not good when sober either.

(wow this is hard!!!)

Rocky - One of my favourite films. Not just because I adore Sly Stallone, but because I love the story of the underdog coming good.

Relax - I am learning how to do this. One step at a time, a combination of a very good friend and some life lessons are teaching me that things aren't always as they seem, and are rarely as bad as I expect them to be.

Recruitment - The industry in whcih I am chasing a new career. Fingers and toes crossed.

Damn, that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Like KimmyK I am not tagging anyone, but if you want to play then leave me a comment asking for a letter and I shall give you one (a letter that is!!)

Getting back my confidence.

2006-05-10T10:38:00.000+01:00

Ahh, where to start? First of all I had a lovely weekend with my friend, we watched dvds, chatted until the early hours and just generally chilled out. It was just what I needed to recharge my batteries.

The last couple of days have been spent searching the internet for jobs, and talking on the phone with various agencies who are trying to match me to the right position.

Today has been great though! I went to register with an agency and was greeted by the director of the company who wanted to discuss with me the possibility of me working directly for her at the new office they have set up in my town!! No travelling, great bonus and commission, and best of all a whole new career with prospects. We chatted for 30 mins or so and she is going to call me back to meet with the co-director, and meet with the staff at the local office to see how i would fit in.

Yesterday, I had a telephone interview with a finance company who are keen to meet with me for the next stage of the interview process - but it is dependant upon me getting the papers from the court which officially end my bankrupcy. Having spoken to the court they assure me I will have them by the end of the month and the employer is holding back the second stage of interviews until I have my papers as they think I would be perfect for the job.

I had another interview this afternoon too. It went really well and I have been asked back to meet the manager and discuss terms of employment.

Finally I feel like I have options. In my current job they have done a great job of making me feel useless, and in two days of interviews I already have some confidence back. It completeley reinforces my belief that leaving my current job is the right thing to do.

So, three possible jobs, an end to my bankruptcy and I start my counselling on the 25th of this month. Perhaps this year really will turn out to be great after all!

Musical Monday...

2006-05-08T13:44:00.000+01:00

It seems to get harder each week to choose a new an original song to post for this monday blogging phenomenon.....This week the track is 'Shy' by Tiger Baby.

I love this song.

I should point out that a lot of my diverse musical taste comes from my friend Camden. He has shared a lot of music with me over the years and it was he that introduced me to this band, Tiger Baby.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Appreciation...

2006-05-06T11:04:00.000+01:00

The job hunt is progressing quite nicely to say i've only been at it a couple of days. I've passed a telephone interview and been selected for a second interview for one job. Been accepted for an interview for two others, and i'm waiting to hear about an interview on a job that would be absolutely perfect for me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm certain I have made the right choice in deciding to get out of there. My health means more to me than money and if I have to take a pay cut and start a new career then that's what I will do.

I have a friend coming to stay this weekend, which I am sure will be fun. Tonight will be a night for watching lots of dvd's and chatting until the early hours of the morning.

This next week is going to be a busy one. I have three interviews lined up with agencies and several application forms that need filling out.

In between job hunting activities I am finally getting to grips with my spring cleaning. Amazing the things you can find the time for when you know you don't have to conserve energy for a job you detest.

I'll leave you with this article which I was send by email - it gave me a good laugh.

Make or break.

2006-05-03T13:39:00.000+01:00

I cracked yesterday.
I had an anxiety attack so bad that I ended up sat on the floor in the shower room at work crying and shaking uncontrollably.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for some time will know that I suffer from depression and that I try very hard to fight it off. To remain positive. To find a silver lining for each cloud. Unfortunately, the situation at work has become unbearable. My manager is doing everything in her power to make my life miserable. She is succeeding too.

I am now signed off work for a month for what my doctor calls "work related stress" and I have to use this time to actively seek other employment. I don't care if I have to go back to working in a factory. I don't much care if I end up with a job cleaning toilets for a living - but I refuse to allow that fucking bitch the satisfaction of firing me. It would seem that it's a case of constructive dismissal. I just don't have the strength to fight it right now.

This is make or break time for me. I am applying for more jobs than I ever have done before. The good the bad and the downright crappy...but as long as they don't leave me sat on the floor shaking and unable to breathe i'd say they have to be better than the one I have got at the moment.

Wish me luck, i'll keep you updated.
Special thanks to G, Medusa, Wonderweb, and S for keeping me sane. Thanks also to WDKY for giving me some good advice.

Musical Monday.

2006-05-02T08:28:00.000+01:00

Bloody audioblog wouldn't let me sign in properly at all yesterday so I have finally done it this morning and cheated ever so slightly by backdating the timestamp. I will post properly later today (and also catch up on my comments) but for now - here are The Cardigans with "Live and Learn" .....Fabulous!!.......

2006-04-27T13:20:00.000+01:00

I don't even want to imagine how bad the menopause must feel because pure pmt will give me almost all the above symptoms every month. I can go from zero to bitch in 0.5 seconds.

Work isn't getting any better, in fact it's getting worse. Every day when my alarm goes off I want to smash it against the wall and bury my head under the pillow and stay there. Imagine working in a place where they actually get people to make up jobs for you to do, just so that you look busy. I'm not talking jobs that would have needed doing eventually anyway, or even jobs that are not urgent, but necessary. No, these jobs are total nonsense time filling fluff designed to keep senior management from realising that most of our time is spent twiddling our thumbs and playing on the internet.

Have I mentioned that favouritism plays a huge part in the office politics where I work too? I seriously doubt I will progress very far within this company as I have a serious aversion to arse kissing. I'll leave that to the people who are the current "favourites".

Oh, and here's an interesting topic for discussion:

A man had great tickets for the FA Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest Sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was Supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup final that we haven't been to together Since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't You find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

I sent this joke out to a few people yesterday - key word there being 'joke' I didn't seriously expect to find anyone who would actually put football before the funeral of a loved one. However, my faith was unfounded. My friend G was adamant that "it would depend what match it was as to whether he would be at the game or at the funeral" I was outraged, and disgusted - and told him so.

Your thoughts? Is there anything that could make you miss the funeral of someone you loved? (except being physically unable to go)..........

Don't ya hate it when that happens?.....

2006-04-25T16:25:00.000+01:00

Everything seemed to be moving along nicely in a reasonably straightforward fashion and then life goes and throws you a curve ball or two. Although I have a number of issues that I am currently working on, I genuinley believed I had things under control. For the most part at least.
I've been having some rather bizzare dreams for the last week. Inappropriate dreams, sometimes of a steamy nature. I'm waking up feeling as though i've actually had no sleep and it affecting my day since my lunch time I am exhausted. Not all of my dreams are particularly enjoyable either. They are confusing and muddled. Faces are blurry.
I've had a non stop headache since Friday night and the horse riding made it somewhat worse. Actually that's unfair - my unsupported chest bouncing up and down made it worse! (The spectators must have had a right laugh!)
The situation at work is bearable, but the fact that I have a nasty case of pms is really not helping my desire to tell my boss to shove her endless spreadsheets up a place where the sun doesn't shine (take your pick!!)
My friend G has listened to me go on and on lately about these things, with seemingly endless patience. Today however he made me cry. I'm sure it wasn't the intention. He took something I said the wrong way and sent me a rather harsh email. It was followed by an apology but the mascara was already smeared over my face by this point.
There is a rather good chance that the pms is making me far more prone to tears than I would normally be, but it still upset me.
I think tonight is going to be much the same as last night, a long hot bubble bath, followed by a bit of a pamper session with endless left over Body Shop products from my kit. Last night I was smelling of blueberries, tonight I think it's going to be papaya, or maybe passion fruit....
Either way - lets hope tomorrow is a better day.

Oh and I heard from a couple of the jobs I have gone for - both of them want me to relocate. One to London, and the other to Manchester. Decisions, decisions.........

Musical Monday, and other stuff.

2006-04-24T08:13:00.000+01:00

This picture represents what I would like to do to my boss! If I manage to get myself another job then I will revel in the ability to hand in my notice with a gleeful smile and sarcastic "I sure will miss this place"

I've had a fun weekend, Friday night was spent with a couple of friends. I cooked for them and we sat around chatting and laughing till the early hours of the morning. Yes people I can cook, althoguh I was less than used when Wonderweb poured ketchup all over my lovely roasted chicken. Some people are strange!

Saturday I had to do the dreaded shopping that I had put off before because of the screaming child. I emerged from Asda, £90 worse off. Though I did have to stump up £33 of that for a new computer chair. I completely trashed my last one - according to my friend G by swinging on it like a monkey! I think he is referring to the fact that I lean right back on it and have done so often that I wore out the mechanism. At least it was easy enough to get the flat pack in the house - I shoved it through the front window. There have been a couple of cars vandalised in my area recently so I have started driving up the grass bank and parking my car right under the front window. I almost feel sorry for anyone who dares to wake me up in the middle of the night by breaking into my car. I can't imagine the sight of me waking up with my hair sticking up all over the place would be any less than frightful.

Yesterday was fun. I went horse riding with another friend M. At 9.30am on a Sunday morning I had a huge beast between my legs...haha. It was a giant of a horse called Ellie and oh man am I feeling it today. Someone really should have warned me that 1.) I should invest in a sports bra, and 2.) I would be seriously saddle sore.
Despite the pain though I fully plan on going again soon. it was fun and horses really are fantastic creatures.

Right, enough with the waffle and on the to trend that is sweeping the blog world - Musical Monday. Todays choice is very mellow, but listen to it all the way through, it picks up tempo. Here it is "Comforting Sounds" by Mew.

Whose destiny is it anyway?

2006-04-21T08:24:00.000+01:00

I took the afternoon off work yesterday to wait at home for a man to come out and inspect my heat meter which is currently running me up a bill I can't even begin to afford. Apparently I use about £50 of heating per week these days, how strange that I only used to use around £5 a week. A hell of a difference isn't it but they are insisting that their meter isn't faulty. One thing is for sure, they won't be getting a large sum of money from me anytime soon!

The day got even better when I realised I had yet to do my weeks shopping. if I haven't mentioned it before - I detest shopping and I will happily go for weeks on end without spending any of my hard earned cash on anythign so mundane as grocery shopping. It was something of a joke between "T" and myself that I rarely set foot in a supermarket and when I did it was ususally because he dragged me there (not literally of course). I got to Asda and wouldn't you just know it - there was a child being pushed around in a trolley while he screamed so loud that i'm surprised my friends in the US couldn't hear his not very dulcet tones.
I threw a few things in my trolley and got the hell out of there before I tried to find out how much fun it would be to gag the little brat. No i'm not a mother, nor do I want to be anytime soon. Children are fabulous when they are quiet, but when they start screamng like that - ugh, it gives me the shudders.

So I got home, put a few things away and sat on the sofa waiting for my friend S to come round. The phone rang and it was my friend Medusa calling to tell me that she has been awarded a promotion at work. I am genuinely happy for her but I couldn't help but wonder what exactly I am not doing. Clearly I am either failing to do my job satisfactorily, or else my face just doesn't fit the image they desire. Either way, I was having a bit of a whinge to a friend of mine this morning and he gave me some very good advice "You control your own destiny". Prior to that I had been assuming the negative outlook of the situation and doing the whole "woe is me" rubbish. What I have done since is used my time to update and revamp my cv (resume) and circulate it to headhunters, agencies and job search websites. I already have one lead.
So, thankyou to my friend for giving me some very good advice which amounted to a verbal kick up the arse. Perhaps this new found motivation will find me a new and better paying job where I am actually appreciated for the skills I can offer.

13 Conversations about one thing.

2006-04-18T21:49:00.000+01:00

So, for once the dark and gloomy picture I have posted is reflective of something other than things going on in my life.
I chose it because I have just watched what might be one of the worst, most depressing films I have ever seen and couldn't bring myself to put a nice picture to it. The film "13 Conversations about one thing" starring Matthew Mconnaughy(which was of course my reason for watching it) was without a doubt in the top 3 worst films of all time. For starters it didn't make a whole lot of sense. It skipped forward and backward in time, telling the stories of different people whose lives all collectively sucked! There was a hit and run, two suicides, much drunken wallowing and to top it all off, no real ending.

Now there's two hours of my life i'm never getting back!! Take my advice all - don't waste your time. Even hot stuff Matthew Mconnaughy couldn't make it worth while since he played someone who tried to do himself in by blood poisoning. I think the only film i've seen that left me feeling worse was "City of Angels" with Meg Ryan. When I watch what I assume to be a love story, I expect the prerequisite happy ending. That movie failed to hit the spot - big time!

I think for my next movie i'll choose something starring Jim Carrey. At least with him laughs are almost guaranteed, even if it's only laughing at his silly facial expressions.

Musical Monday...

2006-04-17T10:07:00.000+01:00

Todays track is "Goodnight and Go" By Imogen Heap. For those of you who haven't heard of her, she was the singer in the band Frou Frou and she has a fabulous voice.

I first heard her when watching Zach Braffs classic film Garden State. The theme track "Let Go" was one of those songs that I played over and over again.

Anyway - hope you like todays selection.

Just a bit of fun

2006-04-14T17:17:00.000+01:00

Ok I saw this on le chat qui a peur's blog and thought it looked fun. I'm not tagging people, but if you want to do it, go right ahead.

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

Taken a picture naked? : yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? : yes
Danced in front of your mirror? : yes
Told a lie? : yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met?: yes
Been in a fist fight? : yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? : yes
Been arrested? : no
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? : yes
Seen someone die? : yes
Kissed a picture? : yes
Slept in until 3? : yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? : yes
Played dress up? : yes
Fallen asleep at work? : yes
Had sex at work? : no
Felt an earthquake? : no
Touched a snake? : no
Ran a red light? : yes
Been in a car accident? : yes
Pole danced? : no
Been lost? : yes
Sang karaoke? : yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? : yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? : yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? : yes
Kissed in the rain? : yes
Sang in the shower? : yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? : no
Sat on a roof top? : no
Played chicken? : no
Raised chickens? : no
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? : no
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? : yes
Broken a bone? : yes
Mooned/flashed someone? : yes
Forgotten someone's name? : yes
Slept naked? : yes
Blacked out from drinking? : yes
Played a prank on someone? : yes
Felt like killing someone? : yes
Made a parent cry? : yes
Cried over someone? : yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? : yes
Had/Have a dog? : yes
Been in a band? : yes
Drank 25 sodas in a day? : no
Shot a gun? : no

Being a woman is painful!

2006-04-13T12:44:00.000+01:00

I bet the person who came up with the idea of waxing legs was a man! I mean he's never going to actually have to suffer it, so who cares how painful it is right?
I know that's a random comment but I had the bright idea earlier this week of letting my mum wax my legs for me in a bid to save just that little bit of extra money. The last part of my tan was removed along with the wax! Geez that hurt! Anyone who could have seen me hopping around and cursing like Rumplestiltskin would have laughed as much as my mother did i'm sure.
Back to the salon for me next time I think.

Anyway - it's been a busy few days. Work has picked up and though I would ordinarily find time to write my posts in my lunch break, i've been too busy. How dare they impose on my time like that? Anyone would think they were actually paying me to work! haha.

I've got a lovely 4 days off now though, isn't it typical though that on my first day off I woke up at 6am and haven't a prayer of getting back to sleep? It might be a messy weekend though, I have an all day drinking session to go on tomorrow and I suspect Sunday will be for recovery only. Who knows what amusing stories i'll have to tell about this encounter. At least I wont be snogging some German fella this time!

Belated musical monday.

2006-04-11T20:10:00.000+01:00

Audioblog was being a pain yesterday so I couldn't post my song. Not a good start to the week, but here it is "Ode to Seratonin" by Nightmares of you. What do you think?

A time to relax

2006-04-10T12:30:00.000+01:00

First of all - my Musical Monday post will follow this evening when I get home and figure out why Audioblog is being a pain in the ass!

I've posted yet another picture for everyone who seems to love them so much. However, as much as I might wish it - the women in the pictures isn't me. I don't know who she is. I get all my pictures from a site called www.deviantart.com Go and check it out, they have some fab stuff.

I have spent a relaxing weekend. A much needed one too. The past couple of weeks have had me stressed out with work and money. This weekend I decided to get my act together and sort it out. So, I wrote myself a budget, reorganised some finances, cleared out a lot of old paperwork and generally gave my bank account some feng shui!
Alright I have no idea how to apply to concept of fens shui but it sounded good right?

My health continues to improve day by day. The headaches are still present, but I have beaten the codiene addiction now. I still suffer with depression, but on the whole I think I am starting to feel better. I have my down days, but they are getting fewer as things start to look better.
I have direction, in some ways at least.
I am saving for a trip to Jamaica next year when one of my oldest friends is getting married.
I am going to start two college courses in September, one in creative writing, another in massage - to cover both my interests.
This time next year I may have my first mortgage!

I'm off to catch up on my blog comments now. I need to think which song i'll be posting too.....I'm thinking Bruce Springsteen....

Nine Songs.

2006-04-06T12:45:00.000+01:00

Ok the moodiness has subsided and i'm left feeling a little ashamed of myself, a couple of people really caught the brunt of it yesterday. They know who they are, and they have already recieved my apologies.

A while ago now I saw a post on SL's blog about the movie 9 Songs. I have watched it and my opinion of it is not much different to his. It's artistic porn with some decent music thrown in. The only real difference I can see is that emotion was meant to be conveyed between the two characters. Anyway, I digress, in true copycat fashion I am going to list 9 songs that mean something to me and why. I'm not promising they'll all be 'cool' but they are all from the heart.

1. Rainy Days and Mondays - The Carpenters. I love the sound of Karen Carpenters voice. But this particular song reminds me of my mum. My mum has a fantastic voice and sounds so much like Karen Carpenter that I have confused them when listening to a tape recording.
2. Last Kiss - Pearl Jam. This was the song that I shared with my ex fiance S. We had our good times and I can still remember the first night he sang it to me by candlelight.
3. Lonesome Day - Bruce Springsteen. Again it reminds me of my ex S. We flew to Paris to watch Springsteen in concert and this was the opening song. The stadium was black and as the first sounds of the violin filled the stadium, the lights went up and I felt a tingle go down my spine. It was a pretty perfect night.
4. Walk this way - Run DMC & Aerosmith. I have amusing memories of a couple of guys I used to work with when I was young 'factory lass' trying desperately to breakdance to this song in our local nightclub. Yes I fancied the arse of one of them (and yes I did manage to get him into bed, lol)
5. Landed - Ben Folds. It is one of the songs "T" and I were listening to when we had a bit of video camera fun one night. No, I will not be elaborating on this subject!!
6. Summertime - The Sundays.A fantastic summer song. One to be sang whilst driving in the countryside with the windows down and the wind blowing in your hair. I love it.
7. Unforgettable - Nat King Cole. Reminds me of my Grandad. I miss that man.
8. Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap. Fab lyrics. I've had this one on repeat recently, singing my head off!
9. Take on me - Aha. This reminds me of dancing at the youth club disco when I was young. Eyeing up all the guys I liked and thinking it would be cool to try and win them over my mouthing along to the music using my bottle of pop(soda) as a microphone.

I have no shame in admitting to these things. In fact the memories made me smile. I wonder what songs I will chose 10 years from now....
9.

Queen Moody!

2006-04-05T13:06:00.000+01:00

I have proclaimed myself the queen of Moodyville today. I don't quite know what's wrong but boy am I in a foul mood!

I didn't feel quite right when I woke up this morning, I felt overtired (which I shouldn't since I went to bed quite early)
and i've been having dizzy spells all day so far.

In retrospect I was warned by my doctor that coming off the codeine could have lasting effects on my mood, I just wonder how lasting these mood swings will be? I'm not sad, or upset, just very tetchy and irritable today.

I went for a walk at lunchtime to try and clear my head, and rid myself of this headache i've had since yesterday (for which I cannot take any painkillers) and I saw a man walking with his tongue hanging out like a dog! Maybe it's my bad mood or just his ridiculous appearance but I almost wanted him to trip over just to see if he would bite his tongue! God i'm evil...lol

I guess the only good news I have is that I have had a creative couple of days and have managed to submit a couple of articles to NML for Baggage Reclaim. If you haven't checked out that site yet - you should!

Ahh, daydreams in pictures...

2006-04-04T21:00:00.000+01:00

Yum. In lieu of anything particularly interesting to say I thought i'd just post a few pictures of my favourite yummy men......*Sigh*

1. Gary Dourdan
2. Liam Neeson
3. David Boreanaz
4. Matthew McConaughy
5. Kiefer Sutherland
6. Patrick Dempsey
7. Sylvester Stallone

8. Josh Holloway

Musical Monday...

2006-04-03T17:36:00.000+01:00

I've joined the trend....Musical Monday is here to stay. See what you think to my first contribution. Anyone who wants to follow in the trend pop on over to WDKY's blog and get the html code.

Without You - by Ally Kerr.

Wasted weekend.

2006-04-03T10:19:00.000+01:00

When I feel ill, I get ridiculously mardy. I started sneezing sometime last week and by Friday it had developed into a lousy rotten cold. I've gone through countless tissues and had numerous baths with added aromatherapy oils to try and steam it out, but so far no good. I feel like shit!

In other news....(lol) I've finally heard from "T". He called me yesterday, and we had a good chat and catch up. Things don't seem to change in his world, which isn't a bad thing really. I could do with being a little more static sometimes.

I saw a friend on Friday night and commited to be at her wedding next year - in Jamaica!! Two weeks of sun, fun and laughter. I've known her since I was 3 years old so how could I not be there? There are about 60 of us going though so I think we should get a good discount too.

That's about as much energy as I have for writing today - I think I shuold go back to bed!

(NB. Today's photo is for WDKY who has a bit of a liking for this girl)

Flirting with the doctor!

2006-03-31T09:37:00.000+01:00

I told you my bad mood would be short lived! I'm back to normal today. Happy and smiling.
I've been to see my favourite hot doctor this morning, man that guy is sexy! Always a good start to the day when you walk in and a hot guy tells you "Wow, you look great! Have you lost weight?" Hehe. You gotta love it.

What I didn't love was the crazy woman in the waiting room who proclaimed to the whole room how wonderful the hot doctor was, and felt that since I was seeing him next it somehow gave her licence to give me a good luck kiss (on the cheek) Yuck!!
Crazy wench!

I'd better get some work done now since I was an hour late getting here. I may allow myself 5 minutes daydream about the doctor first though.....*sigh*

One of those days.

2006-03-30T20:48:00.000+01:00

Although I am trying hard to keep this blog upbeat and happy, I don't think it would be a true reflection of myself if I didn't allow myself to express it when I am having one of my darker days. Today is one of those days.
From the moment my alarm clock went off this morning I have been in a rotten mood. I've felt tearful, and generally unhappy. The fact is that despite all my determined efforts to project a positive image, and hopefully by default feel more positive, these melancholy days sneak up on me from time to time.

In fairness I probably don't help myself by listening to music which echoes my mood.

I sent an email to "T" yesterday. To the only email address of his that I could think he might still check. I miss my friend. I assume he no longer wishes to be my friend since he has stopped returning my calls and I haven't heard from him in well over a month. It's such a shame, especially since he always said he valued my friendship and that he would never be far away if I needed him. Metaphorically speaking of course since realistically he is an ocean away. I wish him well, I hope he is happy, but I wish we could chat the way we used to. Seems like I have a lifetime of stuff to talk to him about...

Work has become another one of those everyday things that must be tolerated in an effort to make sure the bills are paid and there is no enjoyment there, nor is there any challenge.

I once had such drive and enthusiasm for life, but it has drained from me and I feel defeated. I'm not sure in whcih direction I should be headed but I know it needs to be toward something which will make me feel fulfilled. I love writing but even my attention span for writing has waned. I have always been drawn to alternative therapies and creative endeavours. I once expressed to a friend how I would love to get a professional qualification in Aromatherapy massage, instead of just the very basic training I have.

Perhaps, following a more creative direction, one which will may eventually allow me to be self employed is what I should be doing.
I just don't know...Today is just one of those days, i'll put it down to PMT and move past it. As Scarlett O'Hara said "...After all, tomorrow is another day."

A gardener with a gun!

2006-03-29T15:32:00.000+01:00

The powers that be at work have decided it's time they cracked down on internet use and personal emails. So I thought i'd combine the two and write my blog post on an email before posting it. Seems such a small defiance, but i'm just not prone to being on best behaviour. This may of course be why I still haven't achieved management status. Either that or my inability to kiss ass!

Anyway, I don't have my mitts on the Berlin photo's yet. I think Hal is holding back until he can have a damn good look and ensure he doesn't look too battered on any of them....Good luck to him I say since we were both pretty battered for the whole two days!

I have been instructed to confess to my ridiculous faux pas commited in Berlin too. (Cringe)...
As Hal and I walked through Berlin looking for the Brandenberg Gate he suggested that I ask one of the policeman standing before us which direction we should be heading in. I looked at the two men in front of us then turned to Hal and said "Don't be silly, they aren't policemen, they're gardeners!" Hal, burst out laughing and assured me that they were in fact policemen. "When was the last time you saw a gardener with a gun strapped to his belt?"....I blame the excessive alcohol and a rotten hangover. They looked like gardeners to me!!

This time last week I was sat in a bar, more than a little drunk and silly. Today I am sat at work, at a different desk (since my company likes to play musical chairs) and I can't decide whether i'm hot or cold so my cardigan is doing lots of travelling from me to the coat rack and back again.
I've been in a mardy mood for the last couple of days and having checked my diary I realise it's the dreaded pmt!! A friend called me last night and the poor guy was subjected to me having a damn good bitching session about anything and everything.
Fortunately today has been marginally better, probably because of some rather flirtatious emails flying backwards and forwards between myself and another friend. You know who you are.....

I think it's about time I quit the Body Shop project too. One of the main things that appealed to me about working for them was what they stood for. The Body Shop had ethics and standards, they stood out from other retailers as a company who has long proclaimed their stance against animal testing, and in more recent years they have actively promoted Community trade products. So selling out to L'Oreal, in my humble opinion, goes against what they are supposed to stand for. They have sent me lots of marketing crap about how it's best all round, but frankly, i'm not buying it. It's bullshit and i've had enough of it. Rant over.....

I'm still off the codiene, can't quite remember how long it's been but i'm guessing somewhere in the region of 3 - 4 weeks now. There are still days when I could cheerfully swallow a whole packetful, but i'm about to thwart any future attempts by myself to obtain codiene by prescription. I have a doctors appointment on Friday morning, and i'm going to admit that I was taking far more than I should have been. This should stop him ever giving me anymore. Does that thoguht scare me? Yes!! It scares the hell out of me but it's the right thing to do.

I'm being referred for acupuncture too. Apparently it's good for depression and tension headaches. I was almost thinking it was a good idea until I read NML's blog, and now i'm scared to death about where they might want to stick their needles. I'm afraid I won't be laughing or lying still if they try and stick any needles where poor NML had to suffer them!!

Beer, cigarettes, giggles and the hangover from hell!

2006-03-27T15:42:00.000+01:00

I've finally found the time for an update on my little vacation in Berlin. To be honest I think it's taken me this long to recover from the amount of alcohol I consumed and cigarettes I smoked.

Hal and I left Nottingham at 2.30am to drive to Stanstead airport and found ourselves firmly esconsed in the airport bar at 5.40am. Hal was knocking back Bloody Mary's before we even boarded the flight. Nerves was the excuse - personally I think it was a just a way to start the holiday as he meant to go on.
The flight wasn't bad and we were at the hotel by 10am local time. Unfortunately we couldn't check in so we dropped off our cases and made our way down the road to find a bar. We didn't intend to stay long....Just long enough for a couple of beers, check the map and see what we could do that day. What actually happened was we rolled out of that bar at about 10pm. I couldn't tell you how much we drank, but it was a lot. Many pints of the local "Berliner Kindl" beer, and rather too many shots of some strange apple flavoured Vodka.
I don't think there was so much as 10 minutes peace and quiet in that bar all day. We chattered on like teenagers who had never drank before. We laughed, then cried (I actually did cry - the bar lady bought me over some tissues!) then we laughed some more.
It was exactly the kind of drinking session that I enjoy. Relaxed, and fun. No pressure to move on to the next pub. No keeping your eyes on your handbag and your hand on your glass to avoid either being robbed or having your drink spiked.
At 10pm we staggered back to the hotel, giggling our heads off and drank a couple of liquor coffess before hitting the beds. Twin beds before there are any dirty minds active!!

Oddly, the next day neither one of us had a hangover, we were a little sleep deprived, but we still got up and headed off into Berlin to do the tourist thing. We went to checkpoint Charlie, the Brandenburg gate, the Reichstag, and the Emperor William Memorial Church. Then we headed off to the Hard Rock Café. It has to be done. Wherever you maybe, the Hard Rock Café is a must for any music fan. We had photo's taken behind the bar, and drank a weird cocktail with Cointreau, watermelon liquor and cranberry juice. Sounds vile but my god it tastes good!

We went all over the city on the underground, we even rode one line that we nicknamed "the womble line" because it wasn't just an underground, it also went overground. I'm sure the locals thought we were nuts though when we sat on the train singing "Underground, overground wombling free....."

That evening after heading back to the hotel for a shower and change we headed off to a sports bar down the road and drank a few pints of beer while watching Germany and USA play football on TV. Not a single one of the locals in that bar spoke a word of English so our limited German was pushed to the limits. Seemingly "Ein kleines Bier bitte" wasn't sufficient. After drinking at least 4 pints we went off to a restaurant and had an amazing meal with a fantastically sexy waiter, and yes I did have my photo taken with him, oh and yes I did get a kiss from him. What's a holiday for if not to kiss hot men?
After our meal, we found another small bar and stayed in there until around 2am. There was a barman called Axel who was plying us with peppermint liquor and beers until I could hardly see straight. I ended up snogging some strange german bloke called Heiko, who had a very questionable moustache!! No matter how cheap Berlin is - we spent a LOT of cash that night.

The next day I thought I was going to die. Hal was bouncing around the hotel room like a bunny rabbit on speed. He yanked the bed covers off me, danced around, jumped up and down on the beds and basically did everything in his power to piss me off until I got up.
Both happened, he did piss me off, and I did get up. We checked out and wandered down to the train, boarding without a ticket since the machine wouldn't take Hal's card or mine and figured we could get a ticket on board. Ooops. Apperently not. Two stops along the guy checking tickets threw us off the train and tried to force us to pay a €40 penalty each! I think not somehow. We argued and argued until he finally gave up, muttered something about crazy English people and walked off. Cheeky twat!
After that though we didn't dare get back on the train, with or without a ticket, so we walked back to the hotel, stopping a couple of times for coffee to try and sober up. When we finally reached the hotel we had the bright idea of heading to the airport to try and get an earlier flight. By this time, Hal had run out of steam and was just as knackered as me and all we wanted was to be home and get lots of sleep and never see another pint of beer or cigarette again.

Unfortunately our plan failed and on arrival at the airport we discovered there was no earlier flight and we had 8 hours to kill. At this point we gave up. Laid down on benches, pulled our coats over us and went to sleep until dinner time.

What a f*cking fantastic holiday! What a nightmare hangover!...Photo's to follow

Sins, bins and......white jeans?

2006-03-19T22:34:00.000Z

I watched a movie once that said "no white jeans after labour day". Now if i'm honest I don't have the slightest clue what labour day is, but I bloody well agree with the sentiment. Any women would find it difficult to look good in white jeans, but a man? No, no, no! It's just wrong.
I'm sure you're wondering what has sparked this little tirade. Well, i'm flying to Berlin late tomrrow night/early tuesday morning with Hal. He has sworn he is going to take the white jeans that I loathe, along with his g strings! I mean seriously? It's just wrong on so many levels. I've never been a slave to fashion, not in my much slimmer days. I prefer comfort and timeless classics like jeans and a black t shirt. Truth be told, when it comes to clothes I am a bit of a tomboy. It's rare if ever I wear a skirt, and I don't own a single pair of stiletto heels. Frankly i'm tall enough! It's hard to meet men taller than me as it is, without making it even more difficult.
Speaking of shoes, I went shopping today to try and buy a new pair of boots to wear in Berlin. What I actually ended up buying was a new stainless steel bin for my kitchen. It would seem that turning 30 has had far more of an effect than I thought. Who knew I would one day spend my spare cash on kitchen equipment over a pair of shoes. Next thing you know i'll be turning down a new handbag in favour of a new set of cushions.

Oh, and on a totally different subject, it would seem that the lack of codiene has awakened the sleeping flirt within me.
I've been enjoying some fun flirtation with a guy who has the cheek and charm of the devil. But to my utter shame, I have also developed a very embarrasing crush on someone else, someone totally inappropriate! No possibility of it going anywhere, I know this right from the start, but my god he gets my blood pumping! Damn my hormones haha

Descended from my mother - No wonder i'm nuts!

2006-03-17T13:51:00.000Z

It's official, my mother is a nutjob!

I was chatting on the phone to her this morning lecturing her about the perils of falling for credit "hard sell" tactics for payment protection insurance.
My mum and stepdad need a loan to pay for the new sports car they so desperately want (how else would they look so chav??) so I recommended a couple of places to get low rate loans from. Since my job involves underwriting loan applications every day it's safe to say I know what I am talking about, and felt confident I had steered them in the right direction.
6.30 this morning I woke to the sound of Nirvana's 'Lithium' blaring out from my mobile phone. (I admit i'm one of these people who never has a simple ring ring tone on their mobile phone.) I pick up the phone groggily and assk what she wants.

Mum: "Well, it's them loan people. They rang us yesterday asking all kind of questions and said they wouldn't let us have the loan unless we took out protection"
Me: "Yes mum, that's a sales ploy to get you to pay them extra money. Don't take it, those policies are worse than crap. Trust me"
Mum: "Where else can I get one from then? I don't want to wait I want my new car"
Me: "Geez mum, is there any chance this could have waited, at least until my eyes are open?"
Mum: "Probably, but you're awake now. So what about other loan places? Can you do for me on your computer thingy when you get to work?"
Me: "Yes mum, but for now I really need to go take a shower and actually wake up. I'll call you when I get to work and i've had a look at rates for you."

I duly arrived at work, checked the rates and called my mum to advise her of what they are and who they were with. She said she would talk to my stepdad and call me back with which one she wanted me to apply for.
So, I got stuck into the massive pile of work I have to do today and about half an hour later my phone starts vibrating on the desk.

Me: "Hello Mum, have you decided which one you want me to do because I am honestly swamped with work here today and could do with actually getting some of it done"
Mum: "Yes, we've decided to go with the Car boot loan"
(I frowned in confusion)
Me: "Err, there is no such loan mum. A car boot might sell pretty much everything else, but you would be hard pressed to get a loan from them" (nb. to anyone who doesn't know what a car boot is - it's like a garage sale, done on a large scale with lots of people)
Mum: "You told me Carboot were offering 5.6% apr. I know you did"

At this point I nearly fell off my chair laughing as I realised she actually meant Cahoot. Sometimes that woman is certifiably nuts!
Other classics have included:

Ashley Sneeps (Wesley Snipes)
Denis Wellington (Denzel Washington)

and my personal favourite was the digital camera she bought which she swore on her life had 3.4 pixies inside it!
I kid you not. I love her dearly, but is there any wonder i'm nuts??

The clouds are parting and clarity resumes...

2006-03-16T08:20:00.000Z

It seems such a long time since I had a good mood that lasted this long without the aid of any kind of drug. Be that a joint, or painkillers, or even just a bottle of wine.
I seem to have been living these past couple of years in a painkiller and headache induced fog of depression and confusion.

How bizarre that I thought that I needed a man to make me happy. I now now that I am happy just as I am.

I have gone back and forth in my head about whether or not I am (or was) in love with "T" and it's only these past couple of days that I can with as much clarity as I am capable of say that, I did love him. Rather a lot in fact. However, I was never IN love with him. I was in love with the idea of what I thought could have been in the perfect little drug induced dream world in which I lived. I miss him though, I miss his friendship and the good times we shared. I miss talking till the early hours about anything and nothing. I don't even have his email address anymore since he switched jobs. My friends have told me that is for the best and that I should move on and forget him, but you know what? I don't want to! I don't want to forget someone who made me laugh. Someone who made me feel worthwhile after a fiance who made me feel like shit for three and a half years. If you are reading this "T" - call me. We need to catch up!

I was by no stretch of the imagination some junkie who couldn't think straight. I only ever took the medication I had been prescribed (albiet in larger quantities than I should have done). Not for one moment did I ever feel that I wasn't thinking straight, or that my feelings were muddled. Until I can now look back and say things are far clearer now. The sky is starting to look blue once more, instead of a hazy shade of grey.
Friends have commented that my energy levels have lifted. I no longer look so utterly broken all the time. Despite the withdrawal symptoms which I am still getting (such as a new kidney infection and a continuing upset stomach) I feel really lively and optimistic about my future and life in general.

I spent an hour or so the other day reading back over my posts for the last six months. My god i've been a miserable bitch! All you regular readers have been indescribably patient.

Well - here's to the next 6 months being filled with amusing stories as my life picks up speed and momentum. I may have funny dating stories to share, but one things for sure, from here on, I refuse to move backwards. Life is too good to waste by sitting around moping over what could have been or what might be 'if only'....I've spent so long saying 'If I lost weight everything would be better', or 'If I had more money everything would be ok', or 'I wish I had a man!'

The hell with wishes, if I want something - I have to get out there and make it happen.

I try and try,

To understand,

The distance in between:

The love I feel,

The things I fear,

I dearly say good dream.

I can finally see it.

Now I have to believe:

All those precious stories.

All the world is made of faith,

And trust,

And pixie dust.

So I'll try,

'Cause I finally believe!

(I'll Try - Jonatha Brooke)

Your Sweet Voice - The Reindeer Section

2006-03-15T08:19:00.000Z

Your sweet voice

Lets me know there is a choice

Please me slow

Oh, Much more slowly than that

And when we danced

We danced warm cheek to cold cheek

A sideways glance

I knew you were looking at him

I can't call you a friend

Cause when you left me here

You left me here to die

Don't worry I wont call you again

Cause when I take a hint

I take it pretty hard

And when you broke my heart

you broke it into shards of glass

The telephone yells out

At me to wake

I won't be blamed

For someone else's mistakes

It's your sweet voice

Sounding cheery and warm

It breaks my heart

But I summon up all my charm

Can I call you my friend?

It's been so long

Since we have talked and I miss you

Don't worry I'm over you right now

So my feelings wont get in the way of it

Oh, I miss the way we talked about the little things

Boys and their toys!

2006-03-14T10:41:00.000Z

You have to laugh at the mentality of those men who feel the need to express their masculinity by driving a ridiculous little sports car. I'm not talking about those men who can actually afford a decent top of the range Audi, or perhaps a Porche. I mean those men who hit their 40's and actually go and borrow on credit to buy a second hand Toyota MR2 so that they can seemingly be more attractive. When will they wake up and realise that it is the automotive equivelant of a penis extension!
My opinion on this matter was not greatly recieved by my step dad when I shared this information with him. He has just borrowed £4,000 to buy an MR2. He is 45 years old. He is 5'6. He thinks he is gods gift behind the wheel.
Apparently I was being obnoxious by telling him that it would be cheaper to just have the actual penis extension surgery, and far less irritating to everyone else around him. Obnoxious? Moi? Surely not!

Before any sports car drivers get on their soap boxes here, let me first of all say - I am not ridiculing all sports cars, nor am I ridiculing all men that drive them. A young hot guy in a Lotus Esprit - YUMMY!! An older guy looking sophisticated in his Audi TT, or BMW Z3 - NICE! A middle aged, balding man in a Toyota MR2...driving along with the window down, arm resting on the door with his chunky gold glinting in the winter sun - NOT yummy, and NOT nice!! I suppose I think it's a bit chavtastic. Remember the scene from Friends where Ross turns 30 and gets a sports car...

I'm still off the codiene, perhaps it's making me a touch more tetchy that usual. I am battling it though. Yesterday was a low point - the withdrawal is making me sick and I was sat here at work, merrily typing away when a wave of nausea hit me. I got up and ran for the door, headed for the toilets (which unfortunately are up two flights of stairs and 4 sets of doors) Didn't quite make it. I had the embarresment of throwing up and having to catch it in my hands. Hope noone was eating when they read that.

One moment in time....withdrawal is a bitch!

2006-03-12T21:36:00.000Z

I finally decided it was time to face my addictions. Smoking being the first one, and codiene being the second one. For months now I have been taking at least 8 co codamol tablets per day. Sometimes I have even taken up to 12 or 14 a day. These aren't your standard over the counter 8mg codiene dosage either. These are prescription strength 30mg pills that when you first start taking them give you a mellow buzz like smoking a joint.

So, two days ago, I decided no more.

No more using my headaches as an excuse to keep up my addiction.
No more using stress as an excuse to carry on smoking.
No more putting off until tomorrow what can be done today.

Unfortunately, the withdrawal symptoms are fairly nasty. Violent headaches, sickness, upset stomach, hot and cold sweats, and the shakes. Isn't it odd how they don't tell you this stuff when they prescribe it. They don't mention the possible addiction and side effects. I suppose they assume we read the leaflet. For the record - I didn't....but then I never really paid attention the the notice on a box of cigarettes that states "Smoking can kill you" or "Smokers die younger". Does that make me stupid? Probably so.

I haven't the time to be ill though. I have lots of Body Shop parties booked in, and a trip to Berlin, plus several projects at my full time job which require a lot of time. There just isn't time for me to be ill. I will fight it every step of the way....I think my fighting spirit is back.

Step by step and day by day, I get more positive. Oh...and a letter from the Official reciever last week told me I will soon be free of my bankruptcy. It would seem good things DO come to she who waits.

The Return of Aunt Sally.

2006-03-07T10:58:00.000Z

My darling mother has done it again and given me a dodgy hair colour. It's not red as the picture might suggest (though that might be preferable) I have black hair. In less than 6 months i've gone from being blonde to black! It wont last. I'll give it a couple of weeks to recover (since I really don't want it to all fall out) and then i'll run some peroxide through it to fade the black beforeI dye it back to my usual dark brown chestnut colour.

It seems like I haven't had 10 minutes for myself all week to sit and write a blog post. In fact i'm doing this in my lunch break at work. Now that I have started working for the Body Shop too i'm finding myself short on time. There is more money to be made at it than I initially thought but it does require the right marketing and rather a lot of time and effort. My living room is all but taken over by Body Shop products. They're everywhere. I'm enjoying it though. Except for the scary makeover I was given by the girl who was using me as her training model on Saturday. She made me look like a cross between Coco the clown and Aunt Sally (from Worzel Gumidge)

Keeping busy though is (for the most part) stopping me from sinking back into my miserable pit of depression so it can't be all bad. Tonight is the first night in ages whereI actually get to be at home from 7pm onwards and I don't have chores to do. Actually that's not true. I have a fair amount of ironing that could do with my attention but it's not going to get it. My friend J is coming round for a coffee and a natter and I plan to chill and relax.

I met Hal's girlfriend over the weekend too. She's a real gem. I was pleasantly suprised. She even told me she had no problem at all with me going to Berlin with Hal since she accepts that we are just friends. I'm slightly in awe of a woman so trusting and nice.

I haven't got time to write anymore at the moment since lunch is almost over but you should all just have a giggle at the thought of me with hair blacker than coal and made up with bright pink cheeks and green eyeshadow!

The things people say!

2006-03-01T13:21:00.000Z

I was at a friends house last night for the annual pancake day feast. There were a few of us sat around eating endless pancakes and laughing at one of the guys 'L' who was totally stoned. MTV was playing in the background we sat there stuffed and staring vacantly at the screen watching Mary J Blige sing her latest ballad. "I love this song" announced my friend Tan. 'L' turned around and absently commented "yeah, but it's a bit wet isn't it....mind you I like a bit of wet every now and then" Cue much laughing from the rest of us as our dirty minds kicked into overdrive. 'L' looked confused and tried to over correct by stating "yeah but you know, sometimes it's just like, ya know, sloppy wet and that's just not good!"

I haven't laughed so much in ages! I have a decidedly filthy mind and have been known to turn even the most innocent of comments into something far more disgusting. Poor L didn't know where to look. Such innocence....haha

I've been back at work for the last couple of days and it's anything but laughs there. I just got totally screwed on my annual payrise because of the sistuation with the woman who doesn't like me. Apparently I am very good at my job but i'm just not 'fluffy' enough. Meaning I don't smile and joke a lot while I do my job. Whatever happened to the days where all an employer expected of you was for you to do the job you are paid to do?

It's been a craxy busy week already though. I have no time for myself lately and my time management plan is just not going according to plan. I have an article due for Baggage Reclaim and finding the time (and inspiration) gets harder. (Note to NML - I will get it done!!)

That's all for now...I have my friend Hal sat here on the sofa watching the England v Uruguay football match and every so often I am being made jump by shouts of dissapointment as our team once again misses a goal. Come on England....

Tears of a clown.

2006-02-27T18:54:00.000Z

Pandora's Box

2006-02-27T09:32:00.000Z

My plans for going to London this weekend were scuppered by my car deciding that it was going to cost me a fortune to get fixed, so Friday night I went round to a friends house where I stayed till about 1am.
We were talking about boxes. I know that sounds random but what I mean is the box we keep in our head where we place all those unwanted memories that we would rather forget. Thoughts of things we would rather not remember, lurk in this box, threatening to rise to the surface and attempt to destroy the life we have built for ourselves.

If you have one of these 'boxes' have you ever tried to imagine what it looks like? Mine is a wooden chest. Rather like one of those treasure chests you see in old pirate movies - except what I keep locked in mine is far from treasured. A big brass padlock keeps the chest locked and secure.

I rarely if ever open this box of secrets, this Pandoras box which holds the secrets of my past. Unfortunately, during the course of the discussion with my friend - the box was opened. Unwanted thoughts and memories are still swirling around my head. I am trying to gather them all up to put them back in the box - but it's like trying to catch elephants with a butterfly net.

I've spent the weekend alone - much needed time alone to think. In fact Saturday night I sat staring at the tv smoking a joint and trying to effectively 'switch off'

The overall conclusion I have reached is that having the box opened is a good thing. Whilst i'm not ready to face all my demons head on just yet, I realise I must face them in order to banish them.

On a lighter note - although still not a good thing - i've had to take the damn day off work today as my toilet cistern has decided to spring a leak. So i'm sat here waiting for the council to come and fix it.....

First time for everything!!

2006-02-23T20:52:00.000Z

When my alarm went off this morning I had that funny feeling that it was going to be one of those days. I wasn't wrong!
My morning routine usually consists of getting up and getting a drink whilst tripping over the cats who are all meeping their heads off wanting to be fed. After feeding them I sit down and check my emails, then my blog to see if anyone has commented.
Today I had a comment from "T" so he isn't ignoring me after all...phew!

I felt a bit weird after reading it - not because he wrote anything bad, but just because I didn't feel what I expected to feel, which was happy or excited that he had made contact. I'm not saying i'm not pleased to discover he isn't pissed at what I wrote, because of course I am, but by having this period of time with no contact I have begun to let go of any hope that we may ever be any more than long distance friends.
In fact that is an understatement, I have actually accepted it. Completely.
I am so pleased that we got to spend time together while he lived over here, and deep down I will always hold a special place in my heart for him, but the time has come - finally - for me to move on.

I decided a couple of weeks ago after chatting with NYM that I would take a dating hiatus. The conclusion I have come to is that until I am happy by myself, and not reliant upon a man to 'complete' me, then it is highly improbable that I will be happy with any man I meet.

Anyway, I left for work this morning - driving my dads car since mine had decided to behave like a brat and start guzzling fuel and doing the kangaroo hop everytime I tried to drive it. (It's fixed now after costing me nearly £200)...So there I am driving my dads big Rover 214, which compared to a Corsa feels like a tank, and I realised I needed petrol. I pulled into a gas station and took out the nozzle to fill up. I was stood there for a couple of minutes wondering why the damn thing wouldn't work when I noticed the girl in the station beckoning me inside. Irritated I went in and asked what the problem was only to be informed in her bitchy tone that I would be required to pay up front!! Now, lets paint the picture here. I am a 30 year old woman wearing her smart(ish) office clothes and driving an old mans car. What part of that picture suggests I am going to drive off without paying? What followed was a bit of an arguement with her threatening that 'she didn't have to serve me if she didn't want to'. Needless to say that it was at this point I took back my cash and told her where she could shove her petrol. The woman behind me in the queue then told me I had an attitude problem!! She was quickly informed that unless she butted out she would be the next one to be on the receiving end of my 'attitude'
There really is a first time for everything! I mean I have never even been refused alcohol and yet I manage to be refused fuel!!

I arrived at work fuming with ill concealed temper and proceeded to try all day to shake off the mood. The only real acheievement was that I didn't take my annoyance out on colleagues.

I made a sensible decision yesterday though. I am no longer going to Berlin with Hal. Since his girlfriend has no idea about it (we booked it before they got together) I didn't think it would be a smart move to go away wth him and risk having an angry girlfriend land on my doorstep at some point in the future screaming abuse and accusations at me.

Seems I do have some lucid moments where good sense breaks through the fog of stupidity!!!

Giggling is good for you.

2006-02-22T14:04:00.000Z

Despite being rushed off my feet at work for the last week or two and being hit by a sudden attack of writers block when attempting this weeks article for Baggage Reclaim, I am in a great mood.

I'm off to London this weekend to meet NML and no doubt have a damn good laugh. I had to laugh when I told my mum where I was going as she has a very typical older persons approach to meeting people off the internet. I think her exact words were "Oooh be careful, you never know what them internet folk want from you...especially ones from London!" Classic! I can't imagine how her mind works sometimes and frankly I just don't want to. Oddly enough she never had an issue with the fact that "T" lived in London and that I met him via the internet - though I suspect that is down to her raging desire to see me married with children, and now that I have turned 30, any man who will have me will be good enough. In her opinion anyway - fortunately I am more discerning!

Recently I have gone from being little Miss No Life, to someone who doesn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done and fit everyone in. I was looking through my diary today when trying to arrange a night to get together for a chat with Hal, and it dawned on me that I don't have a free night until next wednesday. I've got 6 Body Shop Parties booked in already and quite a lot of ideas for marketing the products in different ways to earn me more money. I've also rediscovered my love of eBay. I'm clearing out my junk and making some cash.
To be honest I need it since my car has decided to start playing up and costing me money I don't have.

My bro has just bought himself a new car, typical 23 year old lad he has just gone and got himself a Subaru Impreza ( I have no idea if that's how it's spelt) He called me last night all chatty and overexcited like a cocker spaniel on speed. I'd be willing to bet he was actually jumping up and down as he spoke to me.
I love my bro, he's such a character. 6' 7" and very protective of me, most of the time he is so laid back he is almost horizontal, and he has a scary number of woman chasing after him. It must be his cheeky charm!

I suppose I should go back to getting some work done now - a brief 5 minute respite from the constant stream of work. I have the giggles though, not quite sure why and I have a meeting in 10 minutes. I wonder what kind of impression i'll give if I go in there and appear to be laughing at everyone? Haha

An unapproachable bitch??

2006-02-18T10:37:00.000Z

It's been an odd week, from being called aggresive and unapproachable to getting together with an old friend and playing catch up.

I finally had the 'showdown' at work with the woman who has made the past few working weeks of my life something approaching hell! On Tuesday I was called into the office and had to sit for 90 minutes and basically get slagged off to my face while my manager sat back and mediated. Actually there wasn;t much mediation since all I did was sit there and nod as unaggresivley as I could whilst seething with irritation and temper. I got to listen to a variety of my supposed faults and felt any attempt at denial whilst I was so incredibly pissed off would have made her point. When told I am aggresive my first thought was to reach across the table grab her by the shirt and say "I'll show you what aggresive is you spiteful bitch" ....Obviously I refrained.
The thing is I may be one of the least aggresive people I know. When forced into a corner I will defend myself but given the choice I will always avoid confrontation. The outcome of the meeting was that I need to make an effort to be friendlier towards the person who had just spent the entire meeting making me feel like a useless, lazy pathetic bitch. Such is life I say... I refuse to let these things get me down anymore.

No news from "T" which is as I expected. If he's reading this I hope he is well and that the new job is working out for him.

I caught up with an old friend this weekend. I have known C since I was 3 years old and he was my next door neightbour. He was the first boy I kissed. Ok so it wasn't a real kiss it was a shy little peck on the lips at the age of 6 sat underneath my dressing table whilst listening to Michael Jackson singing 'The Girl Is Mine'. It was so great to see him. I hadn't seen him in 18 months and we spent hours giggling at old memories and telling tales from our lives. He's such a sweetheart, and the only guy i've ever known (who isn't famous) who can sing "Always" by Jon Bon Jovi, better than Mr Bon Jovi himself. He's a professional singer/entertainer though, and spent 8 years living in Spain making his living from it.

Tonight I had a Body Shop party and it's all good. I'm going to be a Body Shop consultant - primarily because of all the freebies i'll get, but the parties are fun and not very hard work. I am tired though so i'm now going to hit the sack and hopefully have some pleasant dreams.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Get into the groove

2006-02-15T16:42:00.000Z

I never managed to get the cash together for an iPod but I recently got myself a little 256mb mp3 player and it's the best £25 I spent in a long time. I get to listen to music all day long at work and drown out the drudgery.

Top ten faves at the moment are:

1. Breathe - Anna Nalick
2. Bruised - Jacks Mannequin
3. Cosy in the rocket - Psapp
4. Such great heights - The Postal Service
5. There's a girl - The Ditty Bops
6. Anywhere - Evanescence
7. Headlock - Imogen Heap
8. Teenager - Camera Obscura
9. Fix You - Coldplay
10. What to do with myself - Emiliana Torrini

I sit here at work after one of the lousiest days ever. I got taken into a 90 minute meeting today where I was forced to sit and listen as a colleague slagged me off to my face. However, today's post is all about the music so i'll save the bitching for another day........

Valentines is upon us again

2006-02-14T13:51:00.000Z

I hate this shitty hallmark holiday! Valentines Day serves as a giant reminder to anyone who is single that they are a huge failure when it comes to love.
I know anyone who woke up this morning to a dozen red roses and a fluffy bear from their girl/boyfriend will undoubtedly disagree with me, but since this is my blog and i'm having a bad day - allow me my rant at the commercial crap that surrounds us on this day every year.

I got to work this morning and watched as people exchanged secret smiles and compared stories about what gifts they received this morning.
I must stress at this point that I am in no way jealous of the gifts. I was in a relationship with my ex fiance for three and a half years and we always ignored the pressure of Valentines Day and opted instead to show our love for one another on the other 364 days of the year. I regularly received cute little cards with handwritten verses proclaiming how much he loved me. Sweet eh? Shame he turned out to be a tosser!!

Anyway - later this morning, the powers that be, decided to hand out Thorntons chocolates to us all. Little pink chocolate hearts in gift boxes. There are around 2000 people work for my company - and each little gift box would have cost around £3.00. Hmm, I can think of many things we would all prefer £6000 to be spent on. In a poll of the 2000 who work here, I can guarantee almost everyone would be willing to give up their chocolate in favour of the money going to a worthwhile charity.

Chocolate hearts V's £6000 towards AIDS/Cancer research?
Chocolate hearts V's £6000 towards RSPCA/NSPCC funding?

Perhaps someone slightly less irritable than I am today would have appreciated the gesture far more. I am not without a romantic soul, I love romance, I just think this day is possibly the least romantic of the year! It has become similar to christmas with people comparing how much money they have spent rather than how much thought has gone into making someone happy.

*Sigh*

Friends like these...

2006-02-10T14:04:00.000Z

After my last post it has been great how many people have emailed me kind words of support. It's wonderful to realise that people who have never even met me can be so caring and thoughtful. It seems I am by no means the only person out there with issues. So to those of you who are proving to be amazing friends - I give my thanks. You all know who you are.

I have not (as I suspected would be the case) heard anything from "T".
I expected this to be the case, whenever I broached the subject of emotion with him he became closed off, which is exactly why I never really told him how I felt with any degree of accuracy. Enough of this anyway - he has my number and i'd like to think he thought enough of me to remain my friend in spite of my honesty, but if not, then I guess he didn't consider me much of a friend to begin with.

I went to see Hal last night and once again he cooked something yummy. That guy can really cook!! I'm thinking he should abandon his sales career and head for the kitchen to give a certain Mr Oliver some competition.

Quite a bit to look forward to in the coming weeks too. I have dinner with an old school friend next week which I am really looking forward to. I haven't seen C for at least a year because he just works too hard, so he and I have a lot of catching up to do. I have a bit of a girly night too, a body shop party to be exact, so there'll be lots of dewberry scents all over my living room. As long as it isn't vanilla i'm happy. I detest the smell of vanilla. It may as well be a headache in a bottle because as soon as the scent wafts anywhere near me I am nauseous with pain.

The following weekend I am having drinks with an guy who I dated a few of times a couple of years ago. It never got very far since he was a bit of an arse, but we stayed in touch and are going out to catch up on gossip. Then i'm heading off down south to London, where I shall be enjoying the company of NML, and quite possibly WDKY. I'm definitely looking forward to it. Shopping, drinking and gossip! Does it get better that? Besides, for those of you who reads NML's blog you will know that any stories stemming from a night out 'NML style' usually end up very interesting and amusing blog fodder!

I'm also making a concerted effor to keep up with all my other friends too. My tiredness and continual headaches have made me somewhat anti social of late. Tonight I am heading off to Wonderweb's house for a girls night in. Probably watch reruns of Friends and gossip about men over a glass or two of vino. Then tomorrow it's round to Medusa's to set up her new PC and sort out her email account. It would seem my friends think I am a bit of a computer geek. Hmm, I should be disturbed by that but I find myself flattered that they would credit me with that much intelligence!

In other news I have now committed to be a regular writer for Baggage Reclaim. Once a week I will be submitting articles about online dating, living the single life and other little snippets of self proclaimed wisdom.

If you haven't been there before I suggest you check it out. Baggage Reclaim. There are weekly columns and by NML and NYM, and regular features from Vixen as well as a host of other writers.

Truth be told

2006-02-07T21:48:00.000Z

For some time now I have been increasingly aware that my blog is no longer what I intended it to be. It has become a place where I censor what I say for fear of offending or hurting the people I care about who I know read it.

Possibly the best example of this would be "T". I know he reads this and I have therefore shied away from saying very much about what exactly happened between us and have pretty much made light of my feelings for him.

This shroud I have used to veil my feelings on so many subjects is now going to be lifted.
Maybe not today, but over the course of time as I come to terms with the things going on in my life, and the things that I have experienced over the last few years.

I never meant to lie, or deceive, but I have, and it seems that the person I have decieved the most is myself. My true friends will know most of what I now intend to publish on this blog, but I feel certain that there are going to be a few surprises too.

The first thing for me to admit is that whilst "T" left the UK over 6 months ago - I still love him. I went through bouts of wondering if what I felt was actually love, or just affection. Knowing that my feelings for him were stronger than those he reciprocated, I tried hard to convince both myself and him, that it was not love that I felt, and that I was more than happy with our casual arrangement. Today I am openly admitting the truth. Something about the way he made me feel about myself and the way I felt when I was with him, had me hooked from an early stage.

I am fairly sure (knowing him as I do) that he will be reading this and firstly wondering what the hell he will say to me next time we speak. My answer to that is simple - say nothing. Words are not needed. I accept the way things turned out and can put my hand on my heart and say truthfully that I am more than happy to continue with our rather long distance friendship. I expect nothing from him. I do not expect him to acknowledge or even return my feelings, for I recognise that with each passing day, those feelings are in fact fading, and being replaced with a calm sense of happiness that I met him. The time we spent together was special, and irreplaceable. If my honesty offends or upsets "T" or anyone else, then from here on out - I recommend not reading this blog.

On my return from Lanzarote I found out that "T" has a new girlfriend. I wish him all the happiness in the world, and this rather public admission of my feelings for him do not and will not ever change that. She is a lucky girl as he is one of the nicest men i've ever had the pleasure to meet. Plus he's great in bed (and once again, knowing him the way I do, I can't imagine for one moment he will mind me broadcasting this fact on the web!!)

I do not feel the need to dwell on this subject anymore today, but I have been forced by some more recent events to analyse my behaviour towards men in general.

I was chatting with Medusa whilst relaxing in hotel bar and it slowly started to dawn on me that I really DO choose Unavailable men.
On further reflection it is possible that this stems from the abusive relationship I had in my late teens/early twenties.
I can look back over every man I have either dated, slept with or even had a crush on and honestly say that there was something about each and every one of them that ensured I would not be forced to commit to anything serious.

There was the married guy (who also happened to be my boss!), then there was my ex fiance - who was a seriously workshy and landed me in a whole heap of debt as I struggled to convince myself that I could maintain a serious relationship and therefore ignored all the things about him that annoyed me.
Then there are varying degrees of commitment phobes, one night stands, until more recently "T". Who I always knew (deep down)would go back to the US - it was and is his home after all. Then there was my last foray into the "friends with benefits" scenario with Hal. What a totally fucking stupid idea that was!

To be fair what I did gain from that was a great friend who I now feel 110% comfortable with talking about anything (including his new girlfriend) and for a while there I had some pretty amazing sex. However, I knew it was never, ever going to work.
In the beginning he stood me up a ridiculous number of times (once not even bothering to call) and he lied so easily that one of his past girlfriends nicknamed him 'Jackanory'...However fantastic a friend I consider him to be now, even he would say he behaved like a bit of an ass to begin with.
We now have a rule - no lies, just truth, however brutal it may be!

I am making some changes in my life. Work is starting to seem better, my working relationship with my boss is improving, I feel more optimistic about my future there.
I have agreed to go to counselling - to see if it helps to resolve some buried issues in my psyche that prevent me forming proper relationships. In the meantime, I am going to focus on my health, my work, my friends and family, my writing, and on improving my life in general.

There is no place in my life right now for a man. I'm taking a time out.

That doesn't mean I won't share some amusing dating annecdotes from the past as and when I remember them. It DOES mean that I will undoubtedly have some funny stories to tell as I aim to improve my social life - and where alcohol is concerned, there are almost always amusing stories to tell!

2006-02-04T18:32:00.000Z

I am NOT a commitmentphobe!

2006-02-03T19:26:00.000Z

After a week off work with stress induced headaches I finally went ahead and called my boss to face up to at least one of my demons. There have been things bugging me that I haven't felt able to vocalise to the one person who would be able to do something about it. It wasn't near as bad as I thought and if i'm honest I had probably built it up in my head to be much worse than it actually was. I still have the stupid bitch who is accusing me of harrasment to deal with but, deal with it I shall....one step at a time.

There's something else bothering me though. Someone I consider to be a good friend has expressed an interest in being more than friends and though I like him, im scared of it. I was accused today by my mum of being a commitmentphobe. I don't think that's true but I found myself calling a friend for validation. She agreed that I don't exhibit signs of commitment phobia - but told me I overanalyse everything way too much. She is right - I do. I can never just accept things for what they are and go with the flow.

Confusion seems to be a way of life for me lately....

Melancholy Syndrome.

2006-02-01T21:54:00.000Z

I have been off work for a couple of days now, the pain in my head isn't getting any better. I'm told my my doctor that I have to try and achieve a positive outlook on life in order to defeat my depression and overcome what I have started to call my "melancholy syndrome".
It's difficult when i'm trying so hard to move past the lousy things that have happened to me over the past year and focus on the good things I have going on.
I have a number of fantastic friends who are there for me if and when I need them. My social life really isn't that bad. I'm losing weight, and i've been asked out a couple of times recently by decent guys. I just can't seem to get out of this rut though.
The problems I am facing at work are consuming me. It's getting to the point where I dread walking through the door to the office in the morning since I don't know what I am going to be confronted with. If it weren't for my friends Medusa and Paddy, I think I would have caved in already and handed in my notice despite not having another job to go to.
My manager is the most obnoxious woman I have ever known. She is pedantic and condescending, but to top it all off she is useless at her job. The only thing she excels at are the art of delegation and irritation.

I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to fully get well, and recover from this melancholy syndrome, I have to make some changes. I need to start by finding myself a new job. One that challenges me, but doesn't drain me.

I also need to focus on my time management. I was talking to NML the other day and she was telling me what a positive impact it has had on her life. It's something I need to try. A routine which ensures I complete my daily tasks and also get enough sleep.

I am also considering some other money making options. I don't expect to make my millions, but it would be nice to feel financially secure.

These are elaborations on my new year goals. Expect to see more of my mood swings as I go through this, but humour me, as get through it I will. I shall come out the other side smiling and complete.

Broken.

2006-01-30T13:39:00.000Z

I am broken. Inside and out. My soul aches. My heart breaks. Life should be good, but somewhere inside something is missing. There's a gap in my life. A hole in my heart and a pain that won't leave.

It's not simple enough to solve as there isn't just one reason for it. On the surface I know I lack very little. The darker part of me wants something more. It searches for my missing piece. The thing that will make me whole. Something to make my soul sing and my heart soar. A line drawn under the harsh realities of my past.

A new beginning. To move from the cold winter of my years into a bright and hopeful springtime.
A renewal of hope, the kiss of life breathing warmth to my chilled heart.

"Truth follows angels
In Winter, our eyes are closed
Yet in Spring, we see" Chris Auriel

Crazy brits freezing their tans off!

2006-01-25T17:19:00.000Z

What is the deal with the British and our desperate need for a suntan? At 11am this morning I found myself lying on a sunlounger braving some very cold winds just because the sun was peeking out from the clouds enough for me to think I might catcha whisper of a tan. I lasted about a half hour before I clothed up again and wrapped a towel around my shoulders to fend off the chills.

As I did so I looked around and a whole new batch of scary white people shed their clothes and clambered onto sunbeds exclaiming "Oh what beautiful weather" as goosebumps rose on their arms. By all means brave the elements but lets not kid ourselves that the weather was even approaching beautiful!

By afternoon it had actually improved and Medusa and I took a nice stroll into the town in hunt of some decent food which so far had been absent from this trip. The weather was warm by the seafront with a balmy breeze. I could actually feel the skin on my arms start to tingle from the suns rays. I can´t actually spy any redness but since I was the sunbed queen for the two or three weeks leading up to this holiday I guess that is hardly a surprise!

All in all though I am looking forward to getting home. I miss my cosy litle flat - which I am relaibly informed that my mother has blitzed top to bottom while i´ve been away - and I miss my cats. I´ll be catching up with a few friends over the weekend which I expect means my cooking skills will be put into practise but after a week of some very weird food here, it´ll be a relief to eat something low fat and high taste!

Enough for now anyway. Got to do my hair and get ready for my last night here in the old farts bar! More dominos and card playing I expect, and fending off the dodgy old geezer who insists on groping me and making jokes about Robin Hood since he found out I live in Nottingham...

Feeling hot, hot, hot!

2006-01-23T10:27:00.000Z

Seems like the praying for sun worked because for the last two days I have been soaking up some wonderfully hot sun from beside the pool. I already had a bit of a tan from hitting the sunbeds but i´m starting to feel wonderfully chilled out and my tan gets deeper by the day.

The one thing that is bothering me so far on this holiday (apart from the vile food they have) is this one poor little cat that I just want to take home with me and smother with love and affection. It´s so tiny and it can hardly walk. It´s thin and looks very much like it has been in an accident of some sort. Either that or one of the evil bastards over here has kicked it hard enough to break it´s legs which wouldn´t altogether surprise me. I have been sneaking food out of the restaurant every meal since I got here, feeding the many little cats that mill around meowing to be fed, but this one in particular just lays there, unable to follow people around to get its food. So I have made it my point to seek it out and feed it every meal time. Three times a day this little cat gets salmon, tuna, cod, ham or whatever else I can sneak away. The other people keep walking past me sitting on the floor and saying "Don´t touch that thing you don´tknow what you might catch" Oddly i´m not that concerned. What could it give me that a pill or injection wouldn´t cure?

On a much lighter note I provided some entertainment for the other sun worshipers on Saturday. I was feeling very happy that the sun had finally peeked out from behind the clouds and decided that a swim was in order. I headed off towards the pool and in my best effort to appear ladylike I dipped in a toe to check out the temperature. It felt really cold but I reasoned that it always does and that once I was in it would all be ok. How wrong was I?? I attempted to lower myself in and lost my footing, falling all the way in to what can only be described as the icy depths. I hit the bottom of the pool and came back gasping for air and emmited a very loud and extremely girly shriek that made everyone put down their books, lower their sunglasses and laugh out loud at me! Oh god the shame. Compounded by the fact that as I came up for air my boobs totally came out of my swimming costume. I got out of the pool and headed very quickly back to my friend Medusa who was sat on her sun lounger practically giddy with mirth. Fortunately I got my own back later that day when she fell backwards of her sunbed and landed on her arse whilst attempting to get her back to the sun and even her tan. She didn´t draw the attention that I did with my girly squeals but I still felt justice had been served.

There isn´t a whole lot to do around here at night time, so we´ve stuck to the hotel bar and last night ended up talking to a couple who (after an hour talking) revealed their selves as devout christians. In fairness, it was the women and not the man who was doing the talking, and I have no quarrel with anyones religious affiliation, but she was very over opinionated and I didn´t feel I could share my beliefs with her for fear of her crying "hell and fury!" at me. Telling a devour christian who is training to be a preacher that I consider myself pagan, is just asking for trouble. So I made my excuses after a while and we left the bar for the relative sanctuary of the hotel room.

About 2am I was woken by my mobile phone and a rather disturbing text message from Hal. I won´t elaborate but it awakened in me the urge to nag and tell him just exactly how it is! No holds barred honesty. This friends thing with him works rather well but I don´t want to get ¡nto a habit of nagging at him, however tempting the prospect.

Right, poolside laziness beckons. Later all xx

Praying for sun!

2006-01-20T13:32:00.000Z

After a four hour flight that ended with my ears poping painfully I arived in Lanzarote last night. The first thing I did was hunt deperately for my cigarettes. Despite the airport being resolutely non smoking, no one else seemed to care so I lit up and inhaled deeply. Hiding from any possible airport security by standing behind a billboard while my friend Medusa waited for the cases to come off the carousel. I scanned the area for anyone even cloesly approaching our age and came up empty. Most of the other travellers were well over the age of 50 and often pushing 70´s. Then of course there were the couples with screaming toddlers in tow. Alarm bells were ringing. I fount the urge to be negative and consoled myself with the idea of spending my days lying by the pool soaking up the suns rays, reading a nice book and enjoying much needed relaxation. I reasoned that I could drown out the sounds of kiddie screams with my trusty MP3 player and a host of well chosen melodies.

On arriving at the hotel I thought how pretty it looked. Nestled in a little valley, the hotel is a typical spanish white stucco villa type, green shutters on the windows and friendly staff. The hoterl room is basic but more than adequate, and on arrival we dumped our bags and went in search of food. Having eschewed the onflight meal, we were ravenous. We got to the restaurant and having paid all inclusive were expecting a nice array of tempting delights which might away me to forget my increasingly obsessive dieting.
The food however leaves rather a lot to be desired. A hot buffet consisting of some awful looking half raw meats and fish. Broccoli cooked to within an inch of it´s life and stinking sprouts! How gross! The pasta was overcooked to the point of being crunchy and the only veggie thing on offer was a pizza whith a base made of cream crackers.
We both assumed that breakfast would be better and put the lack of good food down to the late arrival. Not so...breakfast this morning and lunch were equally dissapointing.

Since i´m running out of online time i´l end this by saying that currently it´s freezing here. So no tan for me if it keeps up. Bright side to these numerous clouds is that there is a gym here and that combined with the lousy food should help me lose weight rather than gain it while i´m away.

More updates later....xxx

The week from hell is over!

2006-01-18T21:12:00.000Z

Since I last got around to writing anything on here I have had the week from hell. It's been one fuck up after another and I didn't think the whole nightmare would ever end.
Mostly regarding work, I have been accused of harrassing a colleague. Not sexually before anyone gets any ideas. The bitch that doesn't like me (despite all my friendly overtures to her) has decided to try and make my working life a living hell.
What's the deal with all the psycho women who are like a fucking dog with a bone? They latch onto something and just can't let go? The whole thing culminated in me ahving two blazing rows with my manager and whilst I still have a job, it's no longer one that I want. I want out! I have no more desire to work in an environment where I can be hauled into the office and told that my use of capital lettes in an email is disgraceful and disrespectful. I mean what the FUCK is that??

Lots of gratuitous cussing and swearing in this post, haha.

Hal and I have decided to be just friends. No more benefits. He has found someone he could potentially become more seriously involved with and frankly he and I work better as friends than anything else. We did book a city break to Berlin together in March. Dirt cheap and something for us to both look forward to.

On sunday I took a drive to see a friend and my damn car played the bunny hop all the way there. I had to have the RAC out to look at it. Then it made me look like a total liar and of course typical woman by not doing anything wrong when the RAC man popped the hood. I felt totally foolish and was also freezing by the time he had decided to inform me that there was nothing wrong with it. Being the typical girl and not having expected to be outside for any longer than it took to walk from the car to the front door of my friends house, I wasn't dressed appropriatley for cold weather.

On a lighter note though - tomorrow I go on my holiday! I'm off to bask in the sun in Lanzarote for a week. I need the break. I'm taking 4 books and i'm going to lay by the pool, top up my tan and just totally relax. I don't want to meet men (not in any sexual sense anyway), I don't want to get steaming drunk. I just need to recharge my batteries. Hopefully when I come back I won't feel like the whole damn world is out to get me!

Ok, that was a touch melodramatic, but when you've had a week like mine, a bit of amateur dramatics seems to help!

I'll see you all when I get back....au revior xxx

So far so good...I think..

2006-01-11T08:13:00.000Z

It's been an odd start to 2006. I failed miserably on my resolution to quit smoking. I only lasted a day! Oh well. My other resolutions are going well. I have already lost around 9 pounds, and i'm still hitting the gym 3 times a week. I haven't eaten any meat since before the new year, and so far, I don't miss it at all.

Things are starting to look different on the dating front too. I am still 'sort of' seeing Hal, but since we aren't exclusive to each other and are primarily friends I didn't see any reason why I should say no to a date with Arms when I was asked. I still maintain that I am not looking for a serious relationship and I don't try to kid anyone (including myself) otherwise.

As it happened I went to see Arms last night and spend a couple of hours there. All good fun and laughs, he's such a lovely guy, intellingent, attractive and funny - a rare combination. I was cautious however, since there are complications in his life and I don't want to become another one of them. We ended up watching Rocky, which meant I was seriously distracted by Mr Stallones fit body on screen!

There's something about men with big muscular arms that just gets me seriously hot under the collar. I don't care if they have a bit of a beer gut, I don't care if they aren't a competitor for Mr Universe...but strong muscular arms mmmm. *Sigh* I think it's a femininity thing. To see that a guy is strong and you know that he could ragdoll you around the bedroom (or any other room)if he wanted to, or protect you if you needed it....
A nice ass doesn't go amiss either. "T" had a f*cking gorgeous ass! ...Oh wait, is that too much information? haha

Anyway, moving swiftly on. I had a pretty good weekend. Hal stayed over on Saturday and we chilled out watching movies and chatting. We actually stayed up pretty late talking about various random nothingness and it was nice. It's been a while since i've done that. In fact I think the last time was with "T". We would spend whole weekends chilling out watching movies, chatting till the small hours of the morning and then staying in bed stupidly late the next day. Those weekends were really fun, because i'm primarily a night person when it comes to sex, and "T" was a morning person...so obviously we had to do both! I might not be a morning person but I can't think of a better way to be woken up than the way he used to do it.
It's been 6 months since he left now, and oddly it just doesn't feel that long. I still feel as though if he landed on my doorstep tomorrow we would be able to pick up where we left off with no awkwardness or hesitation. I wonder how long it takes before that feeling goes away? Maybe it never does....

Ugh, I need a holiday! I need to get away to a hot sunny beach and paddle my troubles away in the cool blue waters of the ocean. Someone come and take me away from it all......

Secrets, lies and wishes.

2006-01-06T12:53:00.000Z

I've always been one of those people who said they hate lies. I was indignant last week when my mum accused me of lying to her about something. I wasn't lying at all. I was in fact being utterly truthful, but realistically I should feel like a bit of a hypocrite for reacting so strongly to the accusation since just by saying that "I don't tell lies" I was in fact lying.
We all tell the occasional lie. Whether it be telling your boss that you have completed a project already when you are in fact still working on it, or faking an orgasm it's still a lie.
How many women can honestly claim to never have faked an orgasm? I can't. I know for a fact i've done it. Several times. There are times when you just know it isn't going to happen but the guy you are with feels compelled to keep going until you do, that faking it seems like the easy option. I'm not saying it's the right option, just that it happens.

Does keeping a secret qualify as lying too? If you have been sworn to secrecy by someone and you are then asked about it by someone else and you say you have no idea what they are talking about - is that not a lie?
I'm pretty good at keeping secrets, I know rather more than i'd like to. It can all get confusing sometimes. Remembering who knows what and who you can or can't discuss something with.

Secrets can be a pain in the ass. In my case, I don't really have many. I'm pretty much an open book to those I am close to. If something is bothering me, i'll talk to a friend about it. Or i'll blog about it. Either way, if I try and keep something inside for too long it starts to eat away at me and feed my insecurities and anxiety.
Emotions tend to be the one thing that people keep shtum about. Remember back in your teenage years when you had a crush on the most popular guy(girl) in school and you daren't tell anyone about it for fear or ridicule or rejection?
When I was in the 6th form college studying for A levels I had the hugest crush on a guy in my class. His name was Terry and I would stare longingly at him when I thought no one was looking. I never told him, but I think he knew. he wasn't the most intelligent of guys and more often than not he would use my obvious crush on him to get me to write his assignments.
I grew out of it of course and I bumped into him on a drunken night out a couple of years later. I have NO idea what I ever saw in him. He's scrawny and obnoxious. Not even remotely like the kind of man I would go for these days. Having said that i'm not sure I could really say I have a type.
The only two essentials I can state have to be present are a sense of humour and good hygiene. "T" was miles different to every other man i've been involved with. He was funny and caring, but often aloof and indifferent. He was always clean, often to the point of obsessive with his long showers morning and night, and it really made me giggle how he folded all his clothing in a very specific way - marine training i'm told!
He was terrible at returning messages, and rarely had much free time, but what time he did spend with me, he made me laugh a lot. We never once exchanged a nasty word. He's a rare one, and whilst it pains me to say this since I know he'll read it, I know he'll make some woman amazingly happy one day. Unfortunately it wont be me. I wish it could be.

Men are confusing creatures. Just when you think you start to understand them - they throw you a curve ball! I haven't the energy or inclination to try and decipher them at the moment though. Fortunately Hal isn't too complex. He's had his moments, but seems to have calmed down now and stop overanalysing things. I'm more than happy with the way things are. He's becoming a good friend, and if we have some fun along the way then so much the better.

I'm plodding along quite nicely with this new year and new start. I'm sticking rigidly to my healthy eating plan and so far have managed to incorporate broccoli and red cabbage into my quest to try new and healthy foods. Red cabbage was nice, broccoli was foul. It smelled like farts and tasted bland - so I doused it in tabasco sauce and chewed quickly! I've been to the gym twice this week and tonight i'm going speed walking with my friend.
Oddly i've discovered that even if I have a headache when I go to the gym, it's gone when I leave. Exercise leaves me feeling fuelled with energy. All the tiredness drains out of me and I feel alive. I know it's early days yet, but i'm not sure i've ever felt this determined about anything before.

This is my year, and I have 5 wishes for it:

1. To achieve my goal weight.
2. To be able to run a half marathon.
3. To have at least £2000 in savings by christmas.
4. To go on holiday.
5. To sign up for a decent writing course.

All achievable I think. Watch this space...

Changes ahead..

2006-01-04T12:55:00.000Z

I had to see another doctor today. An occupational health specialist. I was sent by work to see if they could find any underlying reason for my headaches, and ultimately my level of sickness. That phrase in itself justs begs to be jokes about. "How sick am I?" Hmm, that depends on what they call sick doesn't it. I don't sleep with my cousin if that's what it means! More seriously though, the doctor I saw was actually quite nice. He recommeded that I start work later and dictated a letter to human resources while I was there which basically stated they should first of all allocate me an on site parking space, and secondly get off my case since "nagging" at me wasn't going to help my stress levels. On the whole it seems to have been quite a productive appointment.

I ache today though. As part of my new health and fitnes regime I went to the gym last night and although I by no mens went mad, I ache all over today. Just shows how unfit I am! Scarily unfit. However, you have to start somewhere and the diet is going well. I'm finding it surprisingly easy so far. Yes, I know it's early days (before anyone says it!) but I always found the first couple of days to be the hardest. To get into a routine of eating healthily and not craving the ease of junk food.
I've even forced myself to have a banana yesterday and another one today! I detest bananas, but I am told they are very healthy and good for me so I have gritted my teeth and swallowed. It's not the first time in my life i've had to swallow something that tasted unpleasant, but it is the first time there was absolutely no fun in doing it!

I'm going to get my hair done tonight too. It's ready for a colour. The darkness is fading and i'm very much against the idea of going back to blonde. Some blondes may have more fun but this one didn't. I am much more me when i'm brunette. I don't have much confidence anyway, but when my hair is freshly done and I can look in the mirror and see it gleaming with the kind of shine that only dark hair gets, I can at the very least say I like my hair.
I've been hitting the sunbeds a lot recently too, my usually pale milk white skin has a nice glowing tan.

When i've achieved my goals I will post some before and after pictures on here. For comparison purposes. The pale, overweight me V The tanned and slimmer me.

Carrot stick anyone?

2006-01-03T13:21:00.000Z

The day has arrived where I have started the deprivation process. It has been two days since I had a cigarette, and i've been sat at my desk today munching on carrot sticks and chopped up kiwi fruit.
I said i'd make a bid to be more healthy this year but I think something will have to give. It's not that I choose to fail, but I think I will have to make a decision on which of my 'resolutions' are the most important to me. I've not eaten any meat since New Years Eve in my determination to go back to being Vegetarian. I saw a program on TV about how chickens are being farmed and it upset me and reminded me of a video I saw years ago where a cow was slaughtered.
I was vegetarian for a number of years when I was a teenager but the meat alternatives back then were very limited. Today there's a huge range to choose from and Quorn is delicious.

I made my way into town this lunchtime and got weighed (a very depressing experience) and tonight after i've visited the sunbeds I am going to use my Mums treadmill to see how long it takes me to run 5km. I suspect it will take me quite a long time, and that tomorrow I will be in a considerable amount of pain, but i'm sure it'll be worth it in the long run.

Anyway - as I was saying, if I have to give up on one of my resolutions, then it will be the smoking. I've quit so many times before that I know I can tackle it in the future, at a time when i'm able to wear all my smaller clothes again.

I can't wait to get back into my old jeans. I have a stack of clothes that I haven't been able to get into for a long time and I long since gave them to my Mum so they could be worn before they went out of fashion.

The first thing i'll be doing when I can fit into the only pair of jeans that I kept and refuse to throw away???....Going shopping!!!! It'll be fun to go and buy clothes that actually look good, instead of just getting whatever fits. I'm thinking London might be a good place to start my spending spree - and I bet NML knows a good place for me to buy some FMB's!!!

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T16:01:00.000Z

This is my 202nd post. I didn't even realise that i'd past the 200 mark. Not bad for one year really. I sat and flicked through some of my earlier musings today and was quite surprised at how far i've come in a year. It seems that keeping this blog has enabled me to track the changes in my life rather well. I can look back and although i've had one of the roughest years in my life for a long time, I actually feel quite positive that 2006 will be a good year for me.

I chose this picture for two reasons. Firstly because the women looks like she is suffering from an awful hangover which I suspect many people are suffering today. However, when I saw it what struck me was the fact that the woman is laid in the floor, looking totally defeated, but through the darkness there is a light shining down on her. A ray of hope. That sums up how I feel about this year to come.

My new years eve was a bit of a bust. I was meant to be going to a party with Hal, but unfortunately his Dad got rushed into hospital so I went to the party alone. Quite fitting really since I was dressed as Cinderella! I got there and it was totally not the kind of party I had expected. For a start there were children there running around and squealing. Then there were older people dressed as fairies and pirates - all quite odd. I just wasn't in the party mood though. I was worried about Hals dad, and hoping that he would be ok. I'd also left my friend Wonderweb back at my place, laid on the sofa suffering with tonsilitis and too ill to drive home. So I left the party at 9pm and after stopping my to wish a happy new year to my mum and my dad, I went home.
As it turned midnight I was sat at home in my pyjamas watching Friends reruns and drinking orange juice! It was ok though, I was rather content. I think there is too much pressure these days to go out and get mindlessly drunk on New Years eve.
I don't think i'll bother getting myself worked up about it in future. I can have a good night out and get drunk any night of the year. Though it wont be for a while since i'm determined to quit smoking for good this year and alcohol weakens my resolve.

My New Years resolutions this year will start on the 3rd Jan. Firstly because I like to be different and starting on the 1st is too conventional for me, and secondly because I still have junk food and cigarettes to get rid of before then!

The rest of today though, i'm going to lay on the sofa and watch tv. Nothing stressful or strenuous, just a relaxing start to a new year!

White sky - Black mood!

2005-12-30T12:00:00.000Z

I'm having one of those days where everything and anything pisses me off!
I went to bed ridiculously early last night because I was bored and (if i'm honest) lonely. By 9.30pm I was tucked up in bed with two of my cats snuggled up to me and a third cat laid at my feet.
It didn't take long before I was asleep and I had some profoundly disturbing dreams. In one of them I was sat at a table, seemingly invisible as I watched and listened to two men compare me unfavourably to one of my friends. I was crying and upset but they didn't see me and continued to discuss my bad points. It was from this dream that I woke up to the sound of the alarm at 6.15am so I guess it's no wonder i've been in a lousy mood all day.
I left home before 7am and it took twice as long to get to work as it ususally does as my car crawled slowly along the snow and ice covered roads.

I've hardly managed to get anything done today. I have a stack of work that needs to be done before the end of the year and yet here I sit writing this post and staring off into space.
I lack motivation. I lack commitment. I lack inspiration.
Perhaps it's time to go back to the doctors for an increase to the dosage of my anti depressant medication as I feel so low all the time lately. The only time I feel genuinely happy is when i'm in the company of other people. Friends keep me sane. Were it not for Medusa, Frosty, Miri, Wonderweb, Hal and a couple of other less frequently seen friends I think i'd be an anti social wreck.

It was last night when I was sat home alone when I realised that I have become uncomfortable with my own company. I hate being alone. If I have no plans to go out then I find myself either chatting to someone online or else on the phone. When did this happen? There was a time not so very long ago when I loved to stay home alone - curl up with a good book and unplug the phone. Now I don't have the attention span to read as much as I used to - despite having several new books that I know I would love sat on my bookcase, waiting for me to open them.

I was talking to "T" the other night about how I want to make this year really count. I want to use it to change the things in my life that aren't the way I want them to be. I guess I should add this 'social addiction' to the list.
It was funny because he said to me "I've never known you to be grumpy or a bitch" Perhaps that's because whenever he was with me I was happy!

Oddly though, anyone who knows me but doesn't read this blog wouldn't have the slightest idea of how depressed I get. Perhaps I should pursue acting as a career since I seem to be a great actress when I need to be.

This lunchtime my acting skills failed me though. Medusa decided that she was going to drag me into town for some retail therapy at lunchtime. I found a pair of shoes on sale and went to the cash desk to pay for them. What was the first thing the girl said to me "You'll be needing some of this special leather cleaner!" I think not! I hate pushy sales people and really, how many people buy special shoe cleaners every time they buy a damn pair of shoes. I cut her off dead and (perhaps somewhat rudely) said "No, I don't want any" in a voice that must have made it clear I wasn't the type of person she could persuade.

I'll end this rather negative post with a positive point - I've started my christmas shopping for next year. I refuse to get stuck doing last minute shopping hell again!

The return of Calamity Jane

2005-12-29T10:40:00.000Z

I have a hangover today! It's not fun and it hurts. My friend and I got through rather a lot of wine last night and whilst I have been know I have drank a hell of a lot more in the past, I must have been in the drunken spirit last night because I was utterly pissed. Perhaps it wasn't helped by taking my pain medication about 30 minutes before I started drinking - but who applies logic to the drinking process?

My friend went home at around 11pm and I had just gotten into bed when the phone rang. It was "T" - finally!! He'd been back to N. Carolina to visit family for christmas and we ended up talking on the phone for the better part of two hours. Nice, easy and fun...that's how conversation ahs always between us, and I miss it. When he was living over here we would often stay up till dawn tallking about everything and nothing. Sometimes we'd be talking politics, other times we'd be talking sex, but whatever the subject matter it was never strained or awkward.
There are very few people who knows me as well as "T does. Close friends that see me every single day don't know some of the stuff that he does. That's what I miss the most, our easy uncomplicated weekends together. The knowledge that there's nothing we couldn't talk about.
It sucks that there's an ocean between us now!!

Anyway - before I get all melancholy and start bawling at my desk...
When I left my house for work this morning, it was minus 7 degrees celsius (19 degrees Fahrenheit) in other words it was fucking freezing! I got to my car and in typical girl style I didn't have an ice scraper, so I used a cd case to scratch the ice of my windscreen and then as it begamn to feel like my lungs were freezing I made a dash for the car door to get inside.....what actually happened was I slipped in my heels and landed in a pile of snow, flat on my arse in front of my postman who thought it was bloody hysterical!! Why am I so clumsy? I did it on xmas eve too.
I was sat in the pub with some friends and had to get up to stand away from the table and smoke, what I actually did was stagger and fall in a heap in the middle of a very crowded bar, to the amusements of my friends all the strangers who found it amusing enough to laugh.
No wonder my mum called me Calamity Jane!

Hi ho, hi ho...it's back to work I go....

2005-12-28T10:59:00.000Z

It's with something close to relief that I return to work today and escape the drama of families and christmas expectations.
I feel rather tired, although I had a good eight hours sleep last night, I arrived at work almost two hours late. Those who I don't trust think I had a flat tyre, those who are close to me know that I stayed at Hal's last night and knew I wouldn't be on time.
It was nice to have an evening away from family, we just sat back and chilled out with a Jimmy Carr dvd and a joint and relaxed.

I've been sat talking with my friend Medusa today and it seems that one of my comments on here may have inadvertantly offended her. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify that I have met her fella - the guy I referred to as the 'nose picker' and he's a decent bloke. I am also reliably informed that he no longer indulges that habit, so therefore - my apologies and from here on if I need to mention him - I will call him AJ.

We've also been talking about what new things I/we can try in the New Year. I'm not talking things in terms of New Years resolutions, just things that i've either never done or haven't done for a long, long time. So far i've come up with the following:

Horseriding - preferably on some kind of farm where I get to actually ride the horses instead of just being dragged around by a teacher for an hour.
Ice/Rollerskating - When I was a kid I used to go to a rollerdisco every Sunday night at the local leisure center and it was so much fun!
Try rockclimbing - Well not actual rockclimbing, but I am told of a center in Long Eaton where you can try it indoors at a special training school. Might be good since i'm so damn clumsy!
I want to run in marathon to raise money for Cancer research - training starts in January.

I know this isn't a huge list of things but I don't want to have them all set in stone. I just want to try new things as I go along, and have fun doing it.

This week is going to be fairly mellow. Work is very quiet - hardly anything to do. Tonight I am doing nothing more exciting than a quick 6 minute stint on the sunbed, and Friday night my friend Wonderweb is coming to stay over for drinks and general merriment.

And then New years eve is upon us...I'll be at my fancy dress party with Hal (alias Peter Pan) and i'll be Cinderella....i'll make sure I take pictures!!

2005-12-26T23:45:00.000Z

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Look back and then leave it behind.

2005-12-26T19:33:00.000Z

Christmas has been just what I expected it to be. The usual family nightmare! I found myself living the scenes from Bridget Jones in a sort of detached annoyance.
I went out with friends on christmas eve, and though the evening wasn't a complete failure, it wasn't all that i'd expected it to be and by midnight I was safely ensconced on my friends sofa with a sleeping bag and a desire to just have christmas over and done with.

I'm not miserable, just reflective and watching my friend and her boyfriend smooch and rub legs (not so discreetly) under the table had me almost wishing i'd stayed at home. I wasn't jealous by any means, just feeling rather out of place.
I woke early on Christmas day and left my friends house at 5.30am, slipping her key back through the letterbox and making my way home. My mother called me at 6am and was amazed that I was already awake and she hadn't had to wake me up. She was overexcited and hyperactive like a 10 year old on speed and kept insisting that I open my presents while she was on the phone. I recieved several pairs of socks with slogans on them like:

"Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt"

"Do not mess with me, you will not win!"

"I'm not a bitch, and am THE bitch"

My mum had also bought me a new vacuum cleaner which I took as a hint that she would liek me to use it more often. My Dad bought me an alarm clock (amongst other things) and joked that now maybe I would get up on time. I hadn't the heart to remind him that I am up at 5.30am on weekdays when he doesn't even start work till 9am.

Christmas morning was reasonably fun though. I was at my dads by 8.30am and sat having a quiet cup of tea with him before my brother woke up and staggered downstairs at 10.30am complaining at the 'ungodly hour'.

Everything was going fine until I arrived at my Grandma's for Christmas dinner. An annual nightmare for me, and anyone else who happens to be single.

I walked through the door and was immediately greeted by some odd woman that was not a member of the family and my mum had insisted on inviting so that there wasn't an unlucky 13 people at dinner. This woman is around 70 and on the one occasion I met her previously she quizzed me about my sex life. I don't cringe easily but just the memory of her asking me if I spit or swallow, had me shuddering when I walked in and saw her there. Her first mistake was to grab hold of me both both cheeks and insist on giving me a kiss (bleurgh)

From there on it was pure Bridget Jones all the way as she stood in the middle of the kitchen and asked the dreaded "So, how's your love life?" I responded casually "Fine thanks" but it didn't do the trick. "Still seeing the same fella are you?" I gritted my teeth and replied "I don't really know - who was I seeing last time you asked?" I would have expected that to be enough to shut her up but she cackled a dirty laugh and said "I don't know eh...You single girls. One in every port eh?"

I retreated to the relative safety of the dining room and grabbed my giggling brother and forced him to sit next to me. I had rather hoped that he (being equally single) would detract some of the attention from me, but apparently single men aren't has as much fun to watch squirm. When asked if he was "courting" he just laughed and replied that he had several girlfriends, in a way that meant no one wanted to question him further.

Then it was back to me "So, why are you still single then?" I was asked. The room went quiet and 13 heads turned to face me. My Dad nearly choked on his food with suppressed laughter, my brother hid his face in a napkin, and my cousin spat wine out over her dinner and developed a fit of the giggles. I desperately fought the urge to reply with the "under my clothes my whole body is covered in scales" comment and tried rapidly to change the subject.

Why are we single people of such interest at family functions? Just once i'd like to tell them all to fuck off and mind their own business! My brother did try to help (bless him) by mentioning that I had a 'friend' that I didn't want to discuss. However this sparked a flurry of curious questions about who he was and just how close a 'friend' he was.

Despite my urge to bury my head in a pillow and ignore them all I replied that he was merely another single friend and that we enjoy spending time together, and that neither one of us were unhappy at being single. I then politely requested that they change the subject and focus their attention either on their food or on someone else for a change.

Apparently (according to my mum) it doesn't matter how politely that is said, it's still rude.

I suffered the remaining two hours in relative silence then made my way home, sober and in need of some serious alone time.

I spent the evening chatting and texting with Hal, who had been subject to a similar situation at his family dinner and then went to bed early.

I woke up today after a nice long lie in and laid around chilling out and watching the TV. I was going to a friends house tonight but she called and cancelled pleading a headache from too much alcohol fuelled enjoyment yesterday so I find myself sat here looking back on the past year and coming to some interesting conclusions.

This year I started a new job, met "T", went through a flurry of confusing emotions when he left, toyed with the idea of emigrating, stopped smoking - then started again, had time off work with depression and anxiety, turned 30, and went bankrupt. Quite a year really!

I have a few goals for this year and none of them include trying to get myself a boyfriend just to keep the family off my case at next years christmas dinner. I want to try at least one new thing each month, I want to travel, I want (need) to quit smoking, I want (and will) lose the weight that I put on when I was put on hormone medication, and I will pursue my dream of being a writer.

I've decided that although I can look back and experience some regrets, I refuse to keep carrying these with me as emotional baggage. This year I move on. I leave all the shit behind me and start enjoying life.

Here's to a fucking great 2006 everyone xx

Seven such things Tag time

2005-12-25T07:10:00.000Z

Seven Things I Want to do Before I Die

1. Become a published writer.
2. Find true love.
3. Be financially secure.
4. Go on a safari holiday.
5. Live in a foreign country.
6. Be self confident.
7. Have children.

Seven Things I Can't Do
1. Cross my eyes
2. Stop worrying what other people think of me.
3. Speak a foriegn language.
4. Stop wanting what I can't have.
5. Kiss my elbow
6. Ride a motorcycle.
7. Make everybody happy

Seven Things I Say Most Often
1. "Oh man!"
2. "Am I bothered?"
3. "For f*cks sake!"
4. "Yeah right"
5. "Meep"
6. "Seriously?!?"
7. "Ah bless"

Seven Books I Love
1. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte.
2. Jemima J - Jane Green
3. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
4. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
5. Bridget Jones Diary - Helen Fielding
6. The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle
7. The catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

Seven Movie I Can Watch Over and Over
1. Rocky (films 1 - 4)
2. Bridget Jones Diary
3. Titanic
4. Say Anything
5. The Breakfast Club
6. Garden State
7. Never Been kissed

Seven TV shows I Love
1. Friends.
2. Alias.
3. Charmed.
4. 24.
5. Greys Anatomy.
6. Buffy.
7. Will and Grace.

Seven Places I've Been
1. New York, NY, USA.
2. Paris, France.
3. Dublin, Ireland.
4. Kardamena, Kos, Greece.
5. Venice, Italy.
6. Orlando, Florida, USA.
7. Playa de las Americas, Tenerife.

Seven People I Would Have Liked to Met
1. Ghandi.
2. My grandmother Evelyn.
3. Marilyn Monroe.
4. Emily Bronte.
5. Lee Harvey Oswald ( I would love to ask if he really knew what happened!)
6. Martin Luther King
7. Albert Einstein.

This was a lot harder than I thought it would be! And who shall I tag....hmm, I think it has to be Sunny, Paulius, NYM, Serial Loser, Medusa, Torren, and Cindy. (See NML I know you hate tags so I didn't tag you - but do feel free if you want to play haha)

2005-12-24T11:48:00.000Z

I woke up this morning after having had a rather vividly erotic dream. The sad thing is I woke up alone with no one to benefit from it! There was the possibility of Hal stopping by this morning for a 'hangover cure' but since i've not heard from him i'm willing to bet he's laid in bed with the mother of all hangovers. Hardly surprising since he was out from early afternoon yesterday....and yes i'm a bit jealous that he was out drinking when I was stuck at work!

I also had four text messages from a friend from down south who had gone out and got wasted then thought it would be fun to send me dirty messages about what he wanted to be doing to me - at 4.30am! I have to laugh though, he always does it when he's pissed then when he sobers up he is totally sheepish about it all. It's always blamed on the beer.

I think Badminton Boy has finally got the message though - and not before time either! He had been bugging me all week to go out with him last night, I tried saying no, and not interested but in the end I just agreed to go out with him then didn't turn up. He texted me asking where I was and I replied that I never had any intention of going but since he wouldn't take no for an answer he left me no choice.
Does that make me a bitch? Probably...Do I think he brought it on himself?....Definately!

I haven't heard from my stalker for a couple of days either. I'm hoping he has decided to focus his attentions elsewhere, although I can't help but feel a bit sorry for whoever is next on his list.

Today is going to be hectic, I have tons to do and very little motivation to actually do it. I'm sure once I get going it'll all be fine but really all I want to do is stay in bed (preferably not alone) and have some fun!

Anyway, on that note....Merry Christmas all...........have a good one!

Playing with knives. (Warning Rant!!!)

2005-12-23T13:14:00.000Z

It's the day before christmas even and I am SERIOUSLY pissed off. If I could use my manager for target practise while I throw knives in her general direction I probably would.
She may just be the biggest hypocrite i've ever known, combined with the laziest cow! She has double standards and some of the oddest working practises I have ever come across.

There are approximately 2000 people work at the same place as me, and around 150 in my department.
As I look around me I can see a maximum of 30 people. 7 of those people are in my team.
The reason for this is that our manager insists that we have to be here to answer any queries. She has even tried to palm us off with fake work that doesn't really need doing but she doesn't want us to sit around having nothing to do. She organised a 2 hour meeting for us this morning to go over a whole load of stuff that we really didn't need or want to do, then declined to attend herself as she had to go and do her xmas shopping. Ok so she didn't directly say that was what she was doing, but it sure as hell IS what she did. She was out of the office for 3 hours then calmly waltzed back in and sat at her desk eating a baguette and checking up on what he had been doing while she was gone.
The entire marketing department have now gone home or to the pub and i've been getting emails from friends all morning telling me how they can go home early today. Hal is off to the pub with his work mates, so are Miri, D, J and Frosty.

I have still not quite finished my xmas shopping, and I haven't wrapped even one of the presents that I have bought. I'm trying to fit everyone in, and tonight not only do I have a ton of cleaning, washing and ironing to do, but I also have two different friends stopping by for a visit. I hope they don't expect me to either entertain them or be particularly sparkling. Perhaps a drink or two will make me feel better, but since i'm stuck at work that's unlikely to happen.
Tomorrow I am taking my friend S out to have a few drinks with our others friends Miri and Tricky. I can't drink though as i've also got to find time to go and deliver presents to my other friend Sparrow Legs and of course to my family. I think then I may retreat to sanctity of Long Eaton and have a couple of drinks with Medusa and her nose picking boyfriend (sorry Medusa - couldn't resist)

When did christmas stop being fun and become stressful? I remember when I was a child I loved christmas. I was excited about a month before and christmas eve I would go to bed really early just so that morning would come faster. These days I unplug my phone so that my nutty mother can't ring and wake me up at 6am to inform me that "santa has been"....No i'm not kidding. My mum gets up stupidly early and wakes her husband then when she has opened all her gifts she rings around waking up the rest of her family. My brother and I have gotten wise to it now and unplug our phones, other family members learn a whole lot slower!
Xmas dinner is a huge family affair at my grandmas house. It ususally involves me getting into an arguement with my uncle but since he just bought the NYC apartment I shall try my very best to be nice to him. So far I have actually managed to keep christmas day 'night' free and i'll probably need it to recover from a lunchtime where I am continually compared to my more successful cousins, or asked the question dreaded by all singletons "Why haven't you got a boyfriend yet?" I'm just waiting for that Bridget Jones moment when I can make some stupid joke about my whole body being covered in scales or something.

Boxing day will be more of the same durihng the day time, it's a big family lunch at my mums house. In the evening i'm escaping to Hal's with a couple of bottle of wine and a good movie. I will be switching off my mobile phone and enjoying some chill out time. I think by that point i'll need it....

Ahh, I feel a tiny bit better now i've ranted!

Confusion and craziness in my world.

2005-12-22T13:44:00.000Z

I have been tearing up the web this morning looking for just the right picture that I wanted to use to reflect how I feel today. A mixture of confusion, anger, resentment and (oddly) amusement. There's no rhyme or reason to it really, i'm obviously just a moody bitch. The picture I eventually used is the closest thing I could find to what I wish I could do. Just put my hands over my ears and hope the world goes away for a short while. It's nothing depressing that is causing this. I'm not sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks, far from it in fact. As I sit here and the words spill out I feel a sense of calm overcoming me. Writing on this blog can be so theraputic. I rarely if ever know what i'm going to say before I actually start writing which is why I often end up babbling like a loony tune!

I shouldn't be in such a stroppy mood really. I had a good night last night. Hal and I went to see King Kong and although I was a typical girlie girl the pisstaking was kept to a minimum. About halfway through the film though I whispered to Hal "I can't believe they are rating this a 12 - if i'd seen this when I was 12 I would have been terrified" His response was to look at me bemused, say "You ARE terrified!!" and indicate the fact that I was clutching his hand tightly. Hmm, that'll teach me to try and be clever, but it did have scary parts. I'm the girl who was petrifed at Jurassic Park!!

This next couple of days are going to be crazed too. I went into town at lunch to do a last bit of xmas shopping, and tonight i'm doing the Santa thing. Ie. i'm going visiting people and delivering presents. I'm actually going to visit the friend whose party I am going to on New Years Eve and I have yet to decide on a costume! I have to go to the fancy dress shop tonight and try on costumes - that should be fun!

Tomorrow night i've gone and triple booked myself. My friend Gelly is coming round, but so are Arms and my other friend D. Oops...It's a nightmare fitting everyone in the week before xmas, there aren't enough hours in the day and not enough days in the week.

On a funnier note, another friend M called me today flapping about when I was going to see her and if i would go for a drink on christmas eve. She aslo told me what she managed to do yesterday when ccleaning out her beloved hamster Gus. She was overworked and stressed when she cleaned him out and in her rush she didn't realise she had thrown him in the rubbish bin with all the sawdust until she saw the bag moving! Poor Gus had a near miss, and M feels terrible. I couldn't help but laugh and tell her she is the one who gives other blondes a bad name!

"How're those mood swings coming along?"

2005-12-21T13:31:00.000Z

Yesterday I was the bitch from hell and my day only got worse after my post. I got home after sitting in rush hour traffic for the better part of an hour and tried to call my friend. Hmm, no dial tone. Something very wrong. I tried my other handset and then got really p*ssed off when I realised my line had been cut off. I called my phone company and they admitted it was a mistake and apologised, but it did mean that my stroppy mood continued and in the end I went to bed early so that I would cease to inflict my grumpiness on anyone else.

I woke today though feeling fairly lighthearted and philosophical about things. I got to work and although I have a mountain of stuff to do I have still spent the better part of the morning exchanging emails with several friends in various different parts of the country, as we all sit at work avoiding doing that stuff we are actually paid to do.

There's a raffle at work today too and someone is going to win an iPod nano. Someone up there smile down on me and let it be me! I've been after an iPod now for absolutely ages and realistically I just can't afford one.

I even managed to get a cmas present for my Dad during lunch break today. I went shopping with Paddy and he spotted the perfect gift. So at least i've achieved something from my venture into the crazy world of last minute xmas shoppers. Those people are nuts! We were calmly walking down the street towards to relative sanctuary of Marks and Spencers and some woman stepped out of the bank and walked right into me. I managed to get a big handful of her tits as I put my hands up to instinctively hold on to my bag, and she had the nerve to hold out her arms, tut and look at me in disgust. Both Paddy and I walked off laughing that she was probably grateful for the first time in ages anyone had been near her tits!

Tonight i'm off to watch King Kong with Hal. Looks like i'm going to have to hit the bronzing powder unless I want to look like the milky bar kid next to his Dominican republic earned tan! I've been going on the sunbeds regularly but I doubt I can compete with a whole week laid around catching the rays.

Tomorrow I have to run around playing Santa Claus and delivering gifts to friends and family, along with doing some very last minute shopping. I've never before waited this long to get my gifts, and some people wont even get theirs in time for xmas.

"T" will you PLEASE email me your address! Excuse my requesting it on here but so far asking you over the phone hasn't worked...and I know you stop by here regularly. MWAH!!!xx

Some days I could f*cking scream!

2005-12-20T10:42:00.000Z

I woke up this morning just knowing it was going to be one of 'those' days, and usually when that happens i'm not wrong. Yesterday was a real mardy day and today I woke up feeling moody and stroppy.
I got to work and tried to give myself a good kick up the ass and drag myself out of it but it took a quick phone conversation with a friend to liven me up a little bit. Poor old Medusa really gets the brunt of it when I come to work in a mood, she and I both start work at 7.30am and there is no one else around till 8am so she has to fend off my grumpiness until someone else arrives, by which point i've usually got most of it out of my system.
Anyway - we got into work to a ridiculous email from our manager which sparked a bitch fest amongst our small team. I wont bore everyone with the details but suffice to say it involved someone who had expressed a blatant dislike of me having an potential affect on my end of year pay increase. This in turn made me have an email dispute with my manager followed closely by me taking aside this person who could cause me the problem and asking them exactly what their problem was. I'm not a fan of confrontation but I don't shy away from it if I feel it's needed and this was long overdue. We ended up airing a lot of issues and frustrations and clearing the air between us, which I guess is a good thing but it did bring to light a lot of other problems that still need dealing with. Seems we have an element of chinese whispers and backstabbing in our small team. For the two of you that read this blog - Medusa and Paddy - none of my sarcasm is directed at you. You both know who I had the meeting with and you both know that I trust you not to be the gossip mongers.
After all this took place I was taken off by manager and informed that the tone of my email to her regarding the issue at hand was 'negative and inappropriate' but that my way off addresssing the situation had been admirable. Anyone else spot a contradiction?

Anyway - that said we've all just back from a two hour lunch and three courses and Frankie and Bennys. Fantastic but i'm now stuffed till I feel sick and I smell of garlic!! It was quite fun though, Paddy and I were eyeing up the waiters (well one in particular who looked like Gary Lucy) and we were taking daft photos on our mobile phones. Childish but funny, especially since we were wearing the awful paper hats out of the xmas crackers and playing tiddlywicks with a small green plastic frog that feel out of one of the crackers.

I'm now trying to last the final 45 minutes of my shift without falling asleep and wondering if anyone knows how someone could get a hold of my home telephone number if i'm ex directory?
It seems I have gone and got myself a stalker. During the time period that Hal and I decided to be 'just friends' I was emailed by someone else asking me to go out for a drink. I never actually got around to it, and to be honest he totally freaked me out with his being over serious and talking about 'the future' before i'd even clapped eyes on him so I started to ignore him or just blow him off. Last night I was sat at home having a drink with a friend and my home phone rang, it was him. When I asked how he'd got my number he just said "I have my ways" ... I'm spooked! I didn't give it to him and if he got a hold of that does it mena he can get my address?
I wasn't at all rude but I was far from encouraging and got him off the phone quickly. I dialled 1471 to get his number so I can get the phone company to block him if I need to, but for gods sake man 'take the hint!!' I'm not interested in you - nor do I want to get married and have several children (yes that's one of the things he mentioned when asking me out!)
Maybe I should just tell him i've decided to turn gay? Or that i'm already married and about to emigrate?
I'll say it again - I just don't understand men! I miss "T" he was straightforward, I always knew where I stood with him. When he was around things were good, and more often than not I was smiling, but I refuse to dwell on what I cannot have.

Perhaps I should actually do some work - after all it is what they're paying me to do!

Narnia, Florida and New York...i'll go where it's hot!!

2005-12-19T08:11:00.000Z

I went to see the new Narnia movie last night with my friend Medusa. It's EXCELLENT!! A really freat film, my enjoyment only marginally reduced by a small child sat behind me that chattered and asked a myriad of questions throughout almost the entire movie. I knew there was a reason why I normally go to the later showings - no children!
Just for the record - I don't harbour an all consuming dislike for children, I just don't have very much patience. People keep telling me it'll be different when it's my own child and whilst they might be right, i'm in no rush to find out!

Overall i've had a really good weekend, in fact i've had a pretty good week altogether. Most of my time has been spent with friends, both old and new, and even fighting the crowds off for some last minute christmas shopping hasn't spoilt my mood.

This next week is going to be crazy. I'm no doubt going to be more neurotic than ever as I franticly search the shops for the christmas gifts I have yet to buy. I had an agreement with friends this year that we wouldn't buy gifts for each other, so I only have family to worry about and yet I still haven't got everything done. It's so unlike me to be this disorganised, i've usually started buying and wrapping gifts by mid July!

Something that pissed me off last week though - I was told by my manager at work that my friend Medusa and I would not be able to have the same two weeks holiday off work to enable us to go on holiday somewhere hot. It seems I will be going off on my own now anyway.
I was talking to "T" on the phone yesterday and I think i'll be going over to stay with him for a couple of weeks. I can hardly wait, first of all to see him again and second of all to go and experience the 'real' life in the US. If i'm going to have first hand knowledge of whether or not I want to live over there then there is no point in doing the tourist thing, that won't give me the full picture. I have already checked out flight prices and they're not that bad at all. A return flight is only £250 to Orlando...I had to check out the prices to New York too since my uncle has just bought an apartment over there in a building called the Hudson Tea. He's paid $500,000 for it so that our family can use it for vacations! I'm so impressed! I can't wait to take him up on his offer...maybe I can catch up with some blog friends for a coffee while i'm over there? Any takers?

2005-12-17T20:15:00.000Z

Miss Unavailable meets Arms (err what?)

2005-12-16T12:56:00.000Z

Last night was interesting. I met a new friend who for the benefit of my other friend Wonderweb, I shall call Arms. This is purely down to his muscular physique and there is no other meaning to it.
It was all quite spooky. I met him via the internet and we chatted by email and text message for a few weeks and last week it came to light that he actually lives about 5 minutes away from me. Quite bizarre really.

Anyway, he came round for a coffee last night and we had a really good laugh. Arms is quite entertaining and has a knack of being as bitchy as any woman i've ever met. We were sat watching "The Biggest Loser UK" and as much as I empathise with those people and admire their determination it's beyond difficult not to make the obvious comments when someone who weighs around 20 stone (280 pounds) is parading theirselves in a swimsuit. I was actually quite restrained for a little while. Arms was not! He made all the prerequisite jokes and somehow it didn't sound as mean when he said it as it would have if i'd said it. Maybe it's the fact that he speaks with (what can only be decribed as closley akin to) an Irish accent. It means he can get away with being a hell of a lot cheekier than most of us.

I have a thing for sexy accents. I still love the sound of 'T's voice. That lovely southern drawl...It's an unmistakeable voice when he calls me up out of the blue and his first word is always "Hey". He has a gorgeous voice. When he was over here I found great delight in taking the piss out of some of his self proclaimed 'redneck' expressions. One of the funniest I always thought was "I'm fixing go get me a drink" ...direct translation "I'm going to get myself a drink in a minute". I had the impression almost down to a fine art by the time he left. Such a shame - he hasn't got to hear my fine southern twang....haha.
"'T' I promise i'll do it for you next time you call me !"

So what do I have planned for my weekend? Well I was asked out for tonight, but I just don't see it happening. First of all I still feel like shit, and secondly the guy wants more than friendship from me.
I can't say i'm not more than a bit perplexed by men at the moment. I don't want anything serious from anyone which is why in some ways Hal is perfect, he has his own issues which mean he doesn't want too much from me, and we can just get on with having a laugh. Enjoying spending time together without the dreaded "Where is this going?" hanging over us.
However, I was talking to "T" about it at the weekend and he suggested that perhaps I need to join the "Miss Unavailable" club. I think I might have mentioned this in an earlier post but it's odd how being aloof and uninterested affects your popularity with men. Since Hal went on holiday i've been asked out three times by different men. I haven't gone out with any of them, and have no interest in doing so, but i'm still bemused by the fact that I went months after splitting with my ex fiance before getting asked out even once.
Problem is the guys who have asked me out recently have made it clear that they are ready to "settle down"....cue the sounds of me freaking out and crunching the gears into reverse. All I need is for one of them to mention babies and i'll be emigrating!
I'm not much good at being mean to people though when it comes to putting them off. All I ever seem to manage is that i'm ill and/or busy and don't have time to see them. Probably why badminton boy is STILL calling me! I've even tried telling him that I was seeing someone, and his response? "Ah but seeing doesn't mean going out with so technically we could still go out"....Err NO! I don't want to go out with him again but nor do i want to be offensive so i'm playing the "I'm so busy at this time of year" card.

I'm telling you....if you want dates, just act like you dont and all of a sudden you become a challenge!

Summer daydreams..

2005-12-15T10:51:00.000Z

I was walking to work this morning and despite the fact that it wasn't as cold as it has been recently, I find winter morning rather depressing. I love summer and the long lazy days.

Winter mornings mean jumping out of bed and dashing for the shower before your body has a chance to adjust to how cold it has gotten overnight while the heating was switched off. Driving to work in the dark on icy roads with the glare of headlights going in the other direction making it difficult to see. Bundled up in a thick coat with scarf and gloves, hands rammed in pockets and walking as fast as you can to get out of the cold air. No inclination to stop for anyone or anything.

What a stark contrast to those summer days where time stretches out for what seems like an age. The sun beating down sending heatwaves shimmering across the concrete. A light breeze blowing through the trees, just enough to stop the heat from being unbearable. Across the street children are playing in their garden. The paddling pool is filled with icy cold water and the sounds of laughter fill their air as water baloons are thrown and young skins are drenched with water. A relief from the hot sun. Further along a couple are walking their dog, holding hands as the dog tugs at the leash wanting to go faster than the leisurely pace he is forced to maintain. The man wears nothing but a pair of shorts and the woman wears shorts and a bikini top. Their skins glisten as beads of sweat begin to form. An old man waves to them as he digs his garden, planting pansies near the hedgrerow.

I'm looking forward to the summer again. People are friendlier in the summer. Winter is a solitary time (in my opinion). The nights close in far too soon and more often than not I end up going to bed really early. On the rare occasions when I make myself stay awake for whatever occasion I find myself completely unable to drag myself out of bed the next morning. I hit the snooze button on my alarm so many times that when I do finally emerge from under the duvet I have to rush around like a fool to get to work on time. In the summer I start to wake as soon as the sun comes up. I may not get out of bed - but I like to lie there, knowing that I don't actually have to wake up. Listening to the birds singing with the dawn chorus. I'd much rather hear them singing than the awful alarm sound that wakes me in the winter.

I'm suffering from summer nostalgia today. Perhaps I should reconsider moving to sunnier climates. I still toy with the idea of moving to Florida, but I need to know I could support myself before I make any moves and I have to be honest and admit that the whole hurricane things scares me. I'm a clumsy person (hence my childhood nickname of Calamity Jane) and I would be the one who ended up with a tree sticking out of the top of their head!

I wasn't really sure where I was going with this when i started writing - seems it turned into a bit of a ramble, but at least it killed half an hour of my otherwise boring work day!

Oh....does anyone else think it's ironic that Kate Moss is the face of 'Opium' perfume?? haha

Bad girls, shopping and playing dress up!

2005-12-14T08:14:00.000Z

I arrived at work this morning, got myself a cup of water and sat down to browse through my daily blogs. The first one I read was Vixen's guide to juggling a few men at the same time. Fantastic! This girl is one who knows how to date! I am still smiling at the idea of having four men on the go and likening them to the four burners on a hob.

I'm not sure i'd be able to actually date that many people at once though. I was reading vixens words and finding myself in awe of her organisation. I would totally lose the plot and start calling them by wrong names. Then of course there's the problem of what do do if you find yourself actually liking more than one of them? Do you start drawing up a pro's and con's list to decide which one you like the most?
Different things work for different people I guess. As much as I am in awe of Vixens incredible dating life I know I wouldn't be able to cope with the complexity of it. I like things to be uncomplicated. Funny really considering the situations I end up getting myself into.

Next blog I stopped by was NYM's if you haven't read her post about the freaky dating blunder then you should go and check it out. Not many people could actually be able to tell a story like that. It's crazy!

Hmm, then I checked out Serial Loser's blog about christmas! Bah Humbug....i've not done any xmas shopping yet and the only reason I have a tree (albeit a very small one) is because my mum went round to my flat and put it up when I was out. I'm normally very organised when it comes to christmas but this year there has just been way too much going on and I haven't had the time or the inclination.

Lots of fun coming up though. I will get my xmas shopping done this weekend. I have a friend coming to visit on saturday and I may just see if he feels up to a bit of braving the hoards to do some belated pressie buying. Failing that I guess i'll have to give up my sunday.

I am looking forward to New Years Eve too. I'm off to a party - a fancy dress party. The theme is Fairytales and Legends. Any ideas of who I can dress up as would be much appreciated since i'm struggling. I was going to go as Elvira but no one knew who she was - so then I thought of Cleopatra but i'm not convinced a big white gown type thing would be all that flattering.

Help??!!!!

A break from pessimism...?

2005-12-13T13:08:00.000Z

I love this picture!

I'm in one of those rare good moods today. I feel quite giggly and silly. There's no rhyme or reason for it, especially since i've actually been quite busy at work today and i'm still quite ill with this goddamn cough. I guess it could have something to do with all the medication. I bet if I jumped up and down then the person next to me would hear a rattling noise!

I also got quite a lot of sleep last night too, I took some Benylin when I got home from work and it was the orginal formula - not the cheap and nasty non drowsy stuff - so it knocked me out cold on the sofa until 1am. When I did wake up I just dragged myself off to the bedroom and continued to sleep until 6am.

I'm attracting some funny looks at work today though. I've got my earphones in trying desperately not to sing along to all the cd's i've been working through today. Occasionally the urge to sing gets away from me though.........

Recent Playlist:

Craig David - The Story Goes
Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway
Aimee Mann - The Forgotten Arm
Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
Sugababes - Taller in more ways
Anastacia - Pieces of a dream
Madonna - Confessions on a dancefloor.

Don't you just love that feeling when the music just takes over you and it takes everything in you not to burst into song?

There's a cleaner who works early in our office. She's only young - maybe 19 or 20 and everytime I get to work at 7.30am she is still here wiping the non existent dust of the PC monitors and moving the large number of half empty coffee cups from desks. She is always singing while she works. I have no idea what music it is since she is foreign and singing with a high pitched voice in an accent. the thing is though she really doesn't seem to care that she sounds awful. The poor girl is pretty much tone deaf but she doesn't let that stop her sharing her vocal stylings with the rest of us!

Oh and i've just take the first steps towards my ambition of being a writer, i've signed up for the first stage of an Open University course to get a degree in Literature. I feel positive today....let the singing commence!.....

Through the looking glass...

2005-12-12T12:57:00.000Z

I feel reflective today. Perhaps it's a side effect of all the cough medicine combined with my usual array of pills and painkillers. I find myself looking back over my past and wondering if I consciously made the choices that led me to where I am today - or if I just followed the path of destiny and ended up here.

However (for a change) I feel rather positive about my life.
despite a rather nasty cough I feel good.

It's that time of year when everyone wants you to find time for them. I really need to catch up on all the boring domestic stuff before the weekend too because i'm out every day between Friday - Sunday.
I'm meeting a friend on Saturday which i'm looking forward to and i'm meant to be going out with a guy on Sunday but I think that might have to be cancelled.
I thought he wanted to be a friend but he's now given me to believe he expects rather a lot more from the evening. Far more than I can offer him. Hal comes back off his holiday on Monday too so I anticipate at some point next week we'll have to sit down as have 'the talk' about what we actually want from each other. Problem is I don't actually want anything emotional from him.
I was talking to "T" yesterday and he seems to think i should join the 'Miss Unavailable' club. I thought it was quite a harsh comment at first but looking back he may have a point. I have far too much going on in my life right now to offer much of myself to anyone. I had thought that was one of the good things about Hal - the fact that he didn't/doesn't want anything serious either. I guess it's a wait and see situation. Right now he's off in the Dominican Republic...and i'm jealous!! Dammit.

Ooh delayed funny story to tell. Last Sunday I was out with Hal and a couple of other friends at the Comedy Club in Nottingham watching a comedian and getting roaring drunk.
We were all having a good laugh despite being sat right near the front in the firing line for heckling. The comedian (Reginald D. Hunter) was about halfway through his act when he asked the audience who had ever seen their own asshole. He directed the question to an older lady sat near me and she looked so horribly offended that I let out a snort of laughter. He then turned to me and asked the same question. Being drunk and stupid I answered that of course I had and proceeded to explain that when a woman wants to be thorough in shaving her bikini area she uses a mirror to check for stray hairs. I was rather proud of my answer until he replied with "So what you are telling us all is that you have a hairy arsehole?" I have never been so embarresed in my life! My friends were laughing their heads off while I protested that I hadn't meant any such thing. That'll teach me to open my big mouth!

Benefits lapsed.

2005-12-10T18:31:00.000Z

Seems the "friends with benefits" concept is in fact more complicated than I thought. Last night I was meant to go and see Hal but he cancelled on me (again) saying that things between us were too serious. I was annoyed and more than a little confused since i'd just thought we were having fun.
So I went to a friends house and got drunk and had a laugh. It's all good.

Today I have been recovering from a hangover and a horribly bad sore throat and cough. Either i've managed to get the nasty cough that's going round or else I smoked too much last night. Bloody hurts though! Damn I hate coughing!

Anyway. I was sat here chatting to a friend online and my mobile phone rang - it's Hal, on his way to the airport. I thought it prudent to lay a few truths out on the line for him.
I told him that what he and I were doing was 'supposed' to be fun. It shouldn't be complicated when you're just seeing someone casually. I told him to go on holiday have a good time and call me when he gets back. I don't want or need hassle right now, and I can't get too deeply involved emotionally with someone when my thoughts still turn to "T" way too often.
If I live to be 100 years old I bet i'll never understand men. You tell them you want to be serious and they freak out (understandably), you tell them that you DON'T want to be serious and they still freak out.

Ahh I give up. Fuck it, i'll just continue to go with the flow and see where it takes me.

Words and pictures.

2005-12-09T15:22:00.000Z

I love the pictures that I put on here. Though mostly black and white I find them dreamy as opposed to dark or gloomy.

I chose each one carefully to reflect my mood. It all started when I saw some pictures that my friend Camden put on his blog. He used the phrase "Uncommon beauty is commonly overlooked" and I love it.

When I chose a picture it has to call out to me ( not vocally - obviously) but something in that picture has to make me 'feel' something. Sometimes it'll make me feel sad but more often that not it just makes me feel serene or wistful.

However, Medusa told me today that my pictures are too dark. So....I ask the people who read my blog. Do you like the aesthetic appearence of it? Or would you rather I change it for something more common?

The Story Goes....

2005-12-08T12:38:00.000Z

I am loving the new Craig David album! I have been listening to it none stop now since I got to work at 7.30 this morning. I must look like a total nutjob though. I am sat here with my earphones in, mouthing along to the songs and trying desperately not to get caught out singing in what is otherwise rather a quiet office.

I've had another comment from my anonymous contributor. Apparently calling me a pity junkie was intended to help me out of my depression rather than just insult me. I was talking to Hal about the comment and since he is one of the people I seem to spend a lot of time talking to recently I judged him a reasonable person to comment on whether or not I present myself as a miserable, depressive sympathy hoarder. I tend to think that expression doesn't describe me very well at all and fortunately he agreed.

Whilst some of my posts to this blog may be of a blacker nature than I would prefer, it's not often I am in a black mood in my every day life. I'm reasonably upbeat and cheerful for most of the time. If you saw me at work i'd no doubt be giggling with Medusa over something dumb and girly. At home? Well I have my moods, but they generally occur when i'm by myself. When i'm around other people i'm more often than not quite happy.

I was talking to someone the other day who told me in no uncertain terms that they do not agree with the concept of 'friends with benefits' or 'fuckbuddies' - whichever expression you prefer. This person was adamant that I was setting myself up for a fall and proclaimed that any man who entered into this kind of relationship had a serious lack of respect for the woman concerned and stated that he probably viewed me as nothing more than an easy lay.

My response was that first of all we are both consenting adults, and secondly we are both comfortable with our arrangement. We are both giving as much of ourselves as we feel comfortable with right now, and it works for us. First and foremost we are friends, and friends do not disrrespect each other.

Anyway....enough of that. I refuse to keep justifying myself.

Where was I? Oh yes just trying to convince you all that I am a happy go lucky gal at heart. Well I guess you'll either believe me or not.
Those of you who know me outside of the blogging world get to see the everyday me.
My blog is where I unleash all my bottled up emotions. It's where I work things out in my head.

I love that people take time to comment on what I have to say. It's coming up on a year since I started this blog and if my friend Camden hadn't started me on it, there are a number of people I would never have known. Thanks Camden!!

Christmas is coming and I am getting tired....

2005-12-07T15:48:00.000Z

After having a really shitty day yesterday I was glad to leave work. I had a chat with Hal (formerly known as Mr. C - I can't take the Shamen references!) and continued to drive home in rotten traffic.
ChristmaAbout half way home I got a text message from my brother saying "you fucking slag!" Hmm....cheeky little bastard was my first thought so I replied saying that. The poor guy was mortified. He'd meant it as a joke message to one of his male friends and had clicked reply to the wrong message. He kept apologising even after I went round and laughed at him for being a dumbass!
Then he gave me two ready rolled joints. Now, it's not something I would normally do but since i'd had such a bad day and I just wanted to chill out I took them.
I got home and began smoking one. About 15 minutes later I was completely mashed! I have yet to ask him how much bloody weed he put in the damn thing but I only smoked about a third of it and I spent the next 4 hours monging out and trying desperately to be some kind of assistance to my distraught friend Wonderweb who's house mate had done a moonlight flit owning her two months rent!
I was not in the best frame of mind to be giving advice.

Today hasn't been too bad though. "T" called me in the early hours of this morning before work and things are cool there. He's just been busy and isn't pissed off at me so all is good.
I was meant to see Hal tonight but unfortunately he has been struck down with the 'man flu'. I stopped by after work to take him cigarettes and orange juice and the poor guy didn't look too healthy! He was wearing the same t-shirt that he's had on since Sunday and the house looked like a tornado had ripped through it! At least he has a holiday to look forward to. A whole week in the Dominican Republic - god i'm jealous!
The expression 'man flu' really makes me laugh. It generally means the guy in question has the sniffles and wants to be waited on hand and foot by the nearest accomodating female. It must be true that we women are made of stronger stuff than men. Can you imagine if men had to be the ones to give birth to a child? The population would grind to a screaching halt!
He did look genuinely ill though. I'd had my suspicions that he was just throwing a sickie from work to get all his stuff done before the holiday but if he isn't ill then he's a good actor.

Anyway. The rest of my week is likely to be rather busy. Tomorrow night I have to go shopping with my step dad. Every year he drags me around the shops to ask my advice on what he should buy for my mum - and every year he ends up buying updated versions of the same things. Lingerie, slippers, earrings, perfume and a cd (usually some slushy love compilation) why he needs me for this I have no idea.
After i'm done i'm going to go and have a drink or two with my friend Sparrow Legs. (Such a charming blog name for her that I know she'd ..ahem...love) It's that time of year when you have to try and fit everyone into your social calender, and as tired as it makes me I do kinda love it.
Hopefully friday night i'll get to see Hal before he goes off on his holidays - and with a little more luck he'll be feeling less run down and sleepy.

I think i'm due a quiet weekend though. No alcohol, no stress...just lots of relaxation. It's only wednesday and I already need it!

Churning...

2005-12-06T12:51:00.000Z

Today is an odd day. I feel churned up inside and i'm not sure why really. I had a great weekend, and a rather less than great Monday since I arrived for work with an appalling hangover!
I went to the Ann Summers party last night and left as soon as I could feeling really tired and grouchy.
Perhaps i'm just overtired today because every little thing seems to be upsetting me. I have a headache (for a change) and I just feel ridiculously mardy.
I haven't heard from "T" for a while now and i'm worried that i've done or said something to upset or offend him yet I can't think of what that thing might be. I've tried to call him every day for a week and can't get through.
If you read this "T" please give me a call and let me know you are still breathing!

Another thing that bugged me yesterday was catching a friend out in a stupid lie. I don't know why he felt the need to lie to me - actually I do, he didn't know how I would react to the truth. Well, little hint - I always respond better to truths than lies.
The unfortunate thing with telling lies is that it gives a big kick in the head to that thing called trust. As much as I want to believe that he's sorry for lying - I wonder if he isn't more sorry at being caught out! Be that as it may anyway - i've never been one to carry things on and on in some pathetic attempt to hold a grudge. I'll leave it alone and trust (and hope) that he wont lie to me again. If he's reading this - just remember - Honesty is the best policy!

I have these days from time to time. Days of reflection might be the best way to describe them. Days when I question what the hell I am doing and where I am going. When I look at it from a realistic perspective rather than a melancholy one, my life at the moment is pretty good.
I have many good friends and one with whom I have 'benefits', I have a reasonably good job, I no longer have any debts, I can afford a social life, and headaches aside i'm fairly healthy.
So why do I always seem to have something to bitch about? Something inside that niggles and gnaws away at me. Is this what my doctor calls my depression? If so than why the hell aren't my anti depressants making me feel better?

I think I need to stop focusing on every little negative thing that happens and start concentrating on making things happen. Things that I want to happen. Maybe I should sign myself up for a course in writing. Do something positive towards my ambitions.

There's something very wrong when an anonymous comment on one of my recent posts actually upset me a little. This person doesn't know me, and if they do they didn't have the balls to say who they were, and yet they passed judgement on me - calling me a pity junkie! Let me set the record straight, I neither want nor need anyones pity. I write my blog when I want and I do it for me and not anyone else. It has enabled me to become friends with a number of lovely people.
We all have our issues, I choose to write mine on here as a form of self therapy. Sometimes it helps and other times it doesn't. It always makes me smile when someone tales the time to leave me a nice, friendly or positive comment. Even constructive critisism is taken on board, but I do ask that comments not be insulting.
I do know that none of my regular readers would be the person who wrote the anonymous comment, what I also know is that I refuse to remove the anonymous comment facility again. So, any further rude or obnoxious comments will simply be deleted.

Wouldn't it be bliss.....

2005-12-04T12:29:00.000Z

to not have to wonder at every little detail.

to not feel like an outsider looking in.

to not overanalyse every thought.

to take each day as it comes.

to not wonder where your life is heading.

to not regret past mistakes.

to not wonder where you went wrong.

I was chatting with a friend this morning and we were talking about how nice it would be to just be able to go with the flow and not think too much about things.
It got me thinking about just how bad I am for overanalysing every little detail of a situation. I think a lot of it is basically a girl thing. I like to call it Bridget Jones syndrome, and I think most single girls have it. It's not something we choose, maybe it's genetic. The constant search for our very own Mr. Darcy....unfortunately I keep finding Daniel Cleavers! haha

It's not just men though that I spend too much time thinking about though. It's life in general. Have I made the right choices? When I know I have made the wrong ones why do I pursue them and try to make them into right ones?
Academically I wanted to go to University and study Psychology (ironic huh?) but I got stuck in a lousy relationship and ended up as a check out girl in a supermarket for 3 years. Then I moved on to a factory and spent 5 years working in a factory. It was only because I was made redundant that I actually left there and moved to the bank where I now work and have a semi decent job. If that factory was still open, would I have still been there? In a dead end job with no prospects?
I look at some of my friends and what they have achieved. Some are married with children, some have their own houses with a mortgage. Some went to University and have high paid jobs doing something they love.
Me? I do a job that is 'ok' but I don't love it. It pays the bills and allows me some semblance of social life. As i've gotten older my ambtions have changed. I would LOVE to be a writer. To spend my time in a creative world of my own making. I am still somewhat fascinated by Psychology, but I enjoy writing about why people do the things they do than I would enjoy trying to solve their issues face to face.
I'm told that I am a good listener, but i'm inclined to think I have way to many issues of my own to be of any real help to anyone.

So, do I pursue my ambition of being a writer? If so how do I do it? I would love to write a novel, but I don't know if I will ever do it. More than that I would just love to make a living from writing. Freelance articles maybe? Who knows...But I get the feeling I am reaching a transitional phase in my life. Make or break time so to speak.

S E R E N D I P I T Y

It's back

Sorry Guys

Musical Monday - "West Point"

Introducing...

Time for some humour...

Fingers Crossed

Candy Hearts..

It's a minefield!

Musical Monday..."Let Go"

Revelations and contemplations.

HNT with a difference!!

Anything but ordinary.

Another meme tag thing to do.

Behind the veil.

Reality Bites.

Musical Monday..."Trouble Sleeping"

Private moments.

The calm before the storm.

Thoughts in blue.

Musical Monday..."May Angels Lead you in"

What goes around comes around...

The letters game...and it starts with an "R"

Getting back my confidence.

Musical Monday...

Appreciation...

Make or break.

Musical Monday.

Don't ya hate it when that happens?.....

Musical Monday, and other stuff.

Whose destiny is it anyway?

13 Conversations about one thing.

Musical Monday...

Just a bit of fun

Being a woman is painful!

Belated musical monday.

A time to relax

Nine Songs.

Queen Moody!

Ahh, daydreams in pictures...

Musical Monday...

Wasted weekend.

Flirting with the doctor!

One of those days.

A gardener with a gun!

Beer, cigarettes, giggles and the hangover from hell!

Sins, bins and......white jeans?

Descended from my mother - No wonder i'm nuts!

The clouds are parting and clarity resumes...

Your Sweet Voice - The Reindeer Section

Boys and their toys!

One moment in time....withdrawal is a bitch!

The Return of Aunt Sally.

The things people say!

Tears of a clown.

Pandora's Box

First time for everything!!

Giggling is good for you.

An unapproachable bitch??

Get into the groove

Valentines is upon us again

Friends like these...

Truth be told

I am NOT a commitmentphobe!

Melancholy Syndrome.

Broken.

Crazy brits freezing their tans off!

Feeling hot, hot, hot!

Praying for sun!

The week from hell is over!

So far so good...I think..

Secrets, lies and wishes.

Changes ahead..

Carrot stick anyone?

Happy New Year!

White sky - Black mood!

The return of Calamity Jane

Hi ho, hi ho...it's back to work I go....

Look back and then leave it behind.

Seven such things *Tag time*

Seven such things Tag time

Playing with knives. (Warning Rant!!!)